Military Monday: That Time of Year

Make new friends,

But keep the old,

One is silver- 

and the other gold. 

~Anonymous

Yes, it's that time of year again. The posting messages are out, the houses are on the market, and the house hunting trips are booked.

April in the military is not just about new beginnings--not just spring and newness and fresh air. April is the time when the realization starts to hit that this too must come to an end. And when the emotional roller-coaster starts it's trek uphill for both the leavers and the left.

There are two sides of each move and, depending on the year, military families experience both. Every year we know it's coming. Some years we leave, some years we don't. Sometimes the goodbyes are more permanent, and sometimes they are more like see you next year. Sometimes blossoming connections get cut short and come to a quick and final end, and sometimes they are just the beginnings of deep-rooted, life-long friendships.

This year our family gets to stay put. It's a relief in some ways...no boxes, no stressful search for a new home, no schools to pick and trips to plan. Even writing about it elevates my heart rate and makes me sweat. Heck, we still have boxes from our 2014 move, waiting for me to dive in and organize (and they'll likely continue to wait until the next move...).

But, like every year before this one, staying put is bittersweet...because already the process of goodbye has begun.  I have several new friends who are preparing to move, and although I'm happy for them, it makes me sad to think that we may never see each other again when they do. I know from experience that it is much, much easier to leave than to be left. The leaver has the excitement of new adventures ahead, and the left has a hole where a friend once was.

What's amazing about military families is that they keep doing it. They keep searching out friends, even knowing there's no permanence to the situation they are in. They push themselves to say hello, even when they are emotionally fragile from last year's loss. Some posts they may spend in a rut of loneliness, but they know that maybe the next time, the next place has a BFF just waiting to be discovered.

And the result? Maybe not in all cases, but in my case a wealth of wonderful, life-long connections. Kindred spirits from afar. Friendships across the globe. People I love dearly and would do anything for. Unique, amazing individuals who I may never see again, but who have touched my life.

And I'd like to think, in some small way, I've touched theirs.

Sure I'm sad it's that time of year. I'm sad to know that my friends are leaving. But this world has a way of keeping the connections we make. I know there's a new friend waiting, just around the corner. And I know my old friends are always there.

Brenda

15 Seconds

I've been more of a lurker on social media lately, partially because I've been focusing on my latest manuscript, partially because my children have been on spring break...and partially because a lot of what I've seen lately just makes me angry. There's a whole lot of crazy out there, and crazy seems to find it's voice on the anonymous forum of the internet. Un-researched medical claims, sensational news articles and blog posts designed solely for the purpose of annoying and creating a stir. Or thoughtless comments that blow things way out of proportion.

You know what I mean...the anti-vaxxer who refuses--loudly--to admit plain science and then causes a potentially deadly measles outbreak. The celebrity who publicly bashes another because his or her favourite didn't win an award. The president/prime minister haters and lovers and the gun toters/gun haters and all of the others who apparently believe in their causes enough to use foul language, utter threats and just be downright mean.

Does anyone else out there feel that things are rapidly spiralling out of control?

I grew up in an environment where your words--however they were brought into this world--had consequences. I live in a society where honour and integrity are not just buzz words. They are a matter of life and death. I'm trying to teach my children that what they do and what they say matters, and our words can have profound influence on others around us.

So when I pop on my Mac to check on what's going on in the world, it scares the heck out of me to see the lack of integrity shown on a daily basis on my screen.

Don't get me wrong. I love my social media. I think it is a great tool. I love the convenience. I love the speed at which I can find out things--is there traffic on the highway? What's the weather? How is my cousin in France? When is that movie coming out and is it worth seeing?

But rapidity of social media response time often fogs the integrity of the response itself. It's sooooo easy to just post that knee-jerk comment. So simple to post a nasty come-back. Just a couple of key-strokes and that opinionated tweet is out there, ready to wreak havoc on the world. Piece of cake, right?

But a mere 140 characters can have LIFE CHANGING effects.

Ask Justine Sacco, who posted a simple tweet that ruined her life. Or Alicia Ann Lynch who posted a photo of her somewhat-tasteless halloween costume. Perhaps if they had just taken 15 seconds to consider the consequences of their posts, their lives would be different now. And perhaps if the shamers had taken a few seconds and actually thought that there was a real person on the other end of all this...well maybe things would be different.

There are some lights out there, though...beacons in the dismal world of thoughtless posting. I particularly like Emma Watson, who is trying to make a better world, one step at a time. Or Ellen DeGeneres, who seems to have a genuinely good heart, and uses her fame for the better of others.

Do you have a process by which you pre-check your social media posts?

Or are you a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants poster? I'm an agonizer. I write something. I re-read it. I read it again, I wonder what it will sound like to others. Will what I have written be construed as something else? Will it affect a friend or loved one? Will it negatively affect my career? I admittedly suck at twitter chat forums because it takes me so long to get my thoughts down accurately. Heck, this fifteen paragraph blog has taken me five hours to write.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned. But I'd rather take 15 seconds to reread a few words than post a tweet that could harm myself or someone I love.

Or better yet, I'll just not post anything at all.

Brenda

Cover Reveal: The Botanist by L.K. Hill

It's been a while since I've had a cover reveal on my blog, and when my publisher-sister asked for help with hers, I offered to help out. I love Jolly Fish Press's graphic design team, and they have come up with another beautiful depiction of what lies beneath the cover of Ms. Hill's latest novel: The Botanist.

A little about the story...

In the heat of the desert, Detective Cody Oliver inadvertently stumbles upon a strange garden adorned with exotic flowers. Upon closer inspection, he finds the garden is but a cover for the scores of bodies buried below. Soon, the small town of Mt. Dessicate plunges into chaos as journalists, reporters, and cameramen from across the nation descend upon the tiny, desert town to get a piece of the action.

Along with the media, a mysterious woman appears—she may be the only person who has come face to face with the killer, dubbed the Botanist, and lived to tell the tale. If Cody can't piece together a timeline of the land the crime scene is located on, decipher how the woman's mysterious past is connected to the killer, and bring the Botanist to justice, he may lose the people he values most.

Hmmm... how would you capture this in a cover? Curious?

Before I show you the result, don't forget to check out Ms. Hill on her other platforms. You can find out more here:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lkhillbooks

Twitter: twitter.com/lkhillbooks

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/lkhillbooks/

Goodreads: goodreads.com/authorlkhill

And now, on to the reveal! Scroll down to see to see this beautiful cover.

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What do you think?  I'm looking forward to reading this one!

Brenda

7 Reasons Why Military Wives are Stressed Out All of the Time (But you may not know it)

I've haven't posted much on my Military Monday blogs over the past few weeks, not for lack of things to post about, but because I had SO MANY things I wanted to post about, and didn't know where to start. I'll admit, I hadn't planned a post for today. Today is 'Family Day' in British Columbia. A provincial holiday designed to encourage family together time. A great initiative, even when together time means posting on your blog while your teens snore happily from their beds at 9 a.m..

This weekend I read two blog posts. The first one, posted by a friend of mine who is currently on a duty station in the United Kingdom, entitled The Military Family Vaccination Problem. You can read it here on Canadian Army Wife's blog. It struck a cord with me, having dealt with this very problem a few weeks ago, so much so that I wrote a long, drawn out comment. Incidentally, the same blog was reposted this morning on the Canadian Medical Association's Blog which you can find here.

The second blog was by Dr. Psych Mom on Huffington Post's blog, entitled: 7 Reasons Your Wife is Stressed Out All The Time. It can be found here.

Both blogs highlighted real problems. One was more military-centric, the other more general. But they got me thinking. I have many, many friends who are military wives who somehow manage to hold down a job, raise healthy, happy children, and meet the 'expectations' of being a military wife with panache. I'd even like to include myself in this group. These ladies take the term Supermom to a new level.

What you don't see, though, is the exhaustion beneath the facade. Why? Because even though they might be stressed out, they have learned to put on a brave face. Their problems are minimal, because hey, their husbands job is so much more stressful than anything they could ever do.

1. Military Wives are Judged Differently Than Other Wives.

This may sound picky, but it's the truth. How many times have I heard, 'But you must be used to it by now'. Or: 'You should have known what you were getting yourself into when you married him'. The thing is, there is nothing you could do to prepare yourself for three days of barfing kids in a snowstorm a thousand miles from your family while your husband is under fire in Afghanistan. Nothing. But it happens.

2. Women Need More Sleep Than Men.

I love that Dr. Rodman included this in her blog, and I'm reposting it here, because in the military lifestyle, the sleep thing is even more complicated. There is no way a military wife would suggest her hubby gets up to deal with the crying baby when she knows he's going to be training with live ammunition the next day. Or flying a multi-million dollar aircraft. Or searching in broiling ocean waters for a lost fisherman. And when hubby is deployed, she's on her own...often for months at a time. If she doesn't get up to soothe the crying baby, no one will. And the toddler gets up at 5 a.m....

3. Help Is Often Far Away.

The closest I have lived to my mother (i.e. the go-to person for mothering matters) is 600 km away. Right now she is an entire country away. More than 3000 km away. And my bestest friend (other than my husband) is almost the same distance. Add time zone differences and busy lifestyles, and I'm lucky if I speak with either of them once a week. That's pretty typical for military wives. And if their most trusted friends are not nearby, they won't ask for help.

4. The Help That's Close is Inaccessible.

This one is tricky. The military is wonderful for providing help for military spouses. We have many, many resources available to us. Social workers, support groups, discussion panels, gym facilities, casual childcare... the list goes on. Especially in Canada, the Military Family Resource Centres (MFRCs) are a huge help in navigating the lifestyle we have chosen to lead. The problem is not lack of resources. The problem is accessing them.

Occasionally getting to the resource, i.e. basic geography, is the issue. Take Ottawa for example. The city is vast. The MFRC is wonderful. But for most wives, the actual programmes are at least a 45 min drive to access.

The biggest problem with accessing help, though, is the stigma associated with it. Military wives, like their husbands, do not want to be seen as weak. They want to be supermom. They want to look like they've got it together. So walking into an MFRC to access a support group for deployed spouses is the last thing they want to do. Nor do they want to tell hubby (who is getting shot at on a regular basis) that they need help.

It's a problem with no ready solution. The MFRCs continue to search for one, though, and for that they should be applauded.

5. Military Wives Deal With Many Life Stressors At Once.

Moving itself is a stressor. Move to a new country, new job, new doctors and new schools with a new rental agreement, an unsold previous home, two toddlers and a newborn? That's a lot of stressors. Add a husband that leaves three days later for a 1.5 month 'indoctrination course'? Yeah. And don't say that would never happen, because I've done it.

Military wives deal with this stuff every one to four years, Sometimes less. Moving is hugely stressful, and there are always issues. Always problems. And mom often takes the brunt of it. The vaccination issues that Canadian Army Wife illustrated are just the tip of the iceberg. Finding a new family doctor (read about it here) is one of my biggest headaches. Same with dealing with new schools and trying to explain an educational issue for the umpteenth time to a new teacher. It's hard to explain how stressful that is to hubby, because as Dr. Rodman says, women are judged differently than men. A dad who walks into the school with a child with learning difficulties is much more likely to be listened to. Especially if he's still wearing his uniform.

Add PTSD into the equation, and life gets even more complicated. Great articles on the PTSD struggle can be found here and here.

6. Tradition Is A Harsh Taskmaster.

Oh boy. Tradition. The unwritten code of etiquette that dictates the everyday life a military family. Rank, duty, honour, expectation. All difficult to manoeuvre and all without a handbook. And each post has it's own micro-culture that you have to figure out upon arrival. Talk about stress. And a lot of military wives have no previous military experience, so learning how to manoeuvre life on base is like learning a completely new culture. With no course to explain it.

7. Guilt.

Guilt is a four letter word masquerading as a five.

In most military families, the husband is the breadwinner. His job--a soldier/airman/marine/sailor--dictates where the family lives, when he works, how long he works and what he does. The military 'owns' him, so to speak.

Most military wives get it. They don't want to complain. They understand that his job is hard. They get that they have to move...again. They understand that hubby has to be deployed...again. But they have to reconcile that understanding with the complex difficulties of their life. They wouldn't dream of asking for help because they see that as weakness. They feel their problems are minuscule compared to hubby's 24-hour-a-day job in the desert. He needs to focus on staying safe. He needs to know that everything's okay at home--his wife is managing, his kids are alright, the bills are being paid and the household is just fine--so that he can concentrate on his dangerous job. So they feel guilty that they even think about being stressed, which only makes them more stressed. And then they feel guilty that they themselves are stressed when hubby's job is just so much more stressful.

And do they talk about it? No.


As I mentioned above, the good news is that there are resources available. And military leaders are aware of these stressors and are trying to help. Talking about stressors for military wives is the first step. Are you a military spouse? What stresses you out? How do you deal with stress? Do you talk about stressors with your husband or do you go elsewhere? What do you find helps?

I'd love to hear below.

Brenda

Five Calendar Years

So, this morning I was surfing through twitter and I saw this tweet:

There's still time to nominate an author for the 2015 Lieutenant Governor's Award for Literary Excellence! The... http://t.co/nfiw3gNQD7
— The BC Book Prizes (@bcbookprizes) January 28, 2015

I was all YAY! A literary prize! I live in BC! Maybe I can apply!

Before I go any further, let me add that I in no way have delusions of grandeur. I write. I write good things, and I write some not-so-good things. I probably will never win a literary prize, but I have to admit, I'd like to someday write something that was worthy of recognition. Maybe I haven't written that yet, but someday. It's a secret (well, not so secret now...) dream of mine.

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, right? So it was worth a look.

I clicked on the link, which goes directly to the rules. And yes, my eyes were a bit big for the award's specifics. It says this...

The recipient of the Lieutenant Governor’s Award for Literary Excellence will be recognized as having:

• written a substantial body of literary work throughout their career; and
• contributed significantly to the literary community/industry of the Province of British Columbia.

Obviously, I have not contributed significantly to the literary community of the Province of BC. Heck, I just got here 6 months ago. So no, I'm not really the one for this prize. But with an eye for future possibilities I read on to the eligibility requirements.

1. Writers must be Canadian Citizens or Permanent Residents who were either born in British Columbia or whose principle place of residence has been British Columbia for at least the last five (5) full calendar years.

There it is.

At least the last five full calendar years.

You all know military spouses move a lot. You can read my rant on this HERE. It pretty much says it all.

Since I began my journey with the military as an Officer Cadet more than twenty-five years ago, I have not lived ANYWHERE for five full calendar years.

Let me repeat that. I have not lived ANYWHERE for five full calendar years. 

I managed to get six years in Ontario, but lived in two different places (with the option to make that four...which we, as a family, decided against) in that time frame. It's a big province.

So basically, this award is out--likely permanently--because I choose to follow the man I love. And, I might add, have a great adventure doing so.

This is not the first literary award I've looked at that I was not eligible for because of my status as a very mobile military spouse, and it won't be the last. And I have no idea how to fix it. I'm not going to stop moving, and I'm not going to stop writing, and I'm not going to give up on my dream of someday writing something so exceptional as to warrant recognition.

Thankfully there are some awards, the biggies like the Giller Prize, the Governor General's awards and Commonwealth book prizes, where being a resident anywhere in the country is enough. I can dream about those ones. Those are big dreams for far out possibilities.

I know...Perhaps I can be instrumental in advocating for a Military Family Literary Award? In fact, that's a great idea. An award for people like me, who write and move and deal with the unique stressors of life as an author and military spouse.

Anyone want to help me work on that? Make it a nice juicy award with lots of publicity and a huge pot of prize money?

Hey, a girl can dream.

Until then, I need to get back to writing. :)



Brenda

Military Monday: Military Wives Choirs

Happy New Year!

The presents are open, the parties are over and the kids are back to school. Let me just say that you have not seen holiday celebration insanity until you've been closely associated with a military base! It was an amazing season, with concerts and parties and dinners and fun, but I'm so very glad to be getting back into a routine--and back to writing, blogging and a bit of normalcy.

Although I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions, I am a huge fan of making goals and seeing the fruits of my hard work not only ripen but multiply...and one of those goals is about to be realized! It's a goal that has nothing to do with writing, and everything to do with being a military spouse.

After several meetings and emails and phone calls, much research and a whole lot of luck, this week will mark the inaugural meeting of the Canadian Military Wives Choir Comox! If all goes well, this amazing organization will be setting up shop on my local base, and I cannot wait to be a part of it.

Have you heard of the Military Wives Choir movement? It started just 5 years ago in 2010 when a group of wives (yes, just women) in the UK got together to sing and support one another while their husbands were deployed--a chance to learn, grow and get away from the daily stress of being on their own. The choir grew rapidly with the support of Gareth Malone as their choirmaster, and in  2011 they released their first single Wherever You Are, which shot to number one on the UK charts. There are now more than 80 choirs around the UK and the world.

The first Canadian Military Wives Choir started in 2013 in Ottawa, and the Comox choir will spread the movement to the west coast of Canada. From humble beginnings great things are accomplished. A chorister since my elementary school days, I've wanted to be a part of a choir like this since I saw the Wherever You Are video way back in 2011. So excited to sing with the wonderful people who support those in uniform--Military Wives!

Have you set a New Year's goal? Feel free to share it below!

Brenda

Merry Christmas!

Sorry I've been quiet as of late...just enjoying the hustle and bustle of the pre-holiday season. I've had a wonderful year, and it's all because of YOU--my friends, family and fans--and I just want to say THANK YOU and let you to know how much I appreciate your support. Merry Christmas, or happy Whateveryoucelebrate to you and those you love. See you in 2015 with new things and exciting possibilities!

~Brenda