Life lessons from my parents

My mom and dad.

Today, September 25th, 2014 marks the fiftieth anniversary of the day my parents walked down the aisle together.

Fifty years is a long time.

Half of a century.

And it is indeed something to celebrate. An accomplishment not often heard about in today's day and age. And though circumstance has dictated that we should be on two different coasts today, they are both very, very much on my mind and in my heart.

I've wracked my brains for some 'thing' to give them that would show them how much I love them. How much I appreciate them. How much they have meant to me. How proud I am of them and how they have shaped my life.

But how do you put a value on such feelings? How do you properly honour the people who gave you life and breath, put you on the right road and supported you even when it was they who needed support?

You don't.

And so here I sit at my laptop. Wishing I could be somewhere else and yet trying to share with the world how I feel. How do you put the appreciation for fifty years together into words?

I can only try.

When I was about 4, while my dad was out at work, my mom taught me how to read. My dad encouraged it when he came home. I'm pretty sure they thought I was from another planet because my desire for books was insatiable. I ate books. And I could not WAIT to get to school. I don't think they realized it at the time, but those first picture books were the makings of a career. Of a passion. Of a love that would last a lifetime.

Around the same time, my dad taught me how to fish. And hunt. And work a garden. And I learned to appreciate growing things and the earth around us. My mom taught me to bake by baking. And how to sew by sewing. How the work doesn't go away on it's own. I learned to make hay when the sun shines and to appreciate the rain when it comes.
I learned how much hard work goes into feeding a family. How sometimes you can put hours and hours of work into a project and have it fail, but you can't stop trying.

My mom taught me to appreciate the quiet times. To be still. To look beyond the moment and to have faith. She taught me that sometimes I have to stick up for myself--but that doesn't mean I have to be mean or vicious. You can be strong without being hard. Strength comes in many forms.

My father, a true handyman, taught me that I can repair just about anything with the right tools.

Together they fostered my independence from day one. They didn't coddle me (although my older siblings would disagree), and they didn't spend every waking hour entertaining me. They had work to do, and they did it. I played by myself. I found things to do. I read. I went outside. I climbed trees and I made leaf sailboats. I played with toy cars in the dirt and I ate apples right off of the tree. In letting me explore, they encouraged my imagination. Sure, times were different then, but I think in doing so, the taught me one of the basic rules of parenting. Kids learn by doing. They need to explore their environments and make mistakes to grow. I made lots of mistakes. But I learned. Sometimes I made the same mistake over and over again. But sooner or later I did it right.

Lastly, having watched my parents from day one, they taught me that the best things in life are not free. Love comes with a price. Hard work, long hours, sacrifice, and heartache are the currency of love and marital success. Forgiveness sometimes comes at heavy cost. No marriage is perfect. Often we hurt those we love most, and we have to dig deep to ask forgiveness. And sometimes things are too broken to be fixed, but you can't know that unless you first try to put it back together.

No matter how happy it looks on the outside, there are always issues. But getting through those issues together, humbling yourself, recognizing your differences and accepting them, brings huge rewards. My parents have taught me that. They find happiness in each other's company. They understand they are two distinct individuals and they have spent fifty years discovering how two parts can become one whole.

I am so incredibly proud to call them my parents.

I am here today as a testament to their love and dedication to one another.

And so, Edna and David Corey, I thank you for all that you have done for me. And I wish you many, many more years of happiness together.

Happy anniversary,

Brenda

Military Monday: Careers for Military Spouses (Part 2 of a 3 part series)

PORTABLE CAREERS

The way I see it, military spouse careers can go one of four ways. The military spouse (using the feminine pronoun as statistically more common) can:

1. Give up entirely on working/maintaining a career and stay at home.

2. Work at whatever job presents itself.

3. Accept that to maintain a career, she--as the military spouse--will have to stay in one place while her spouse moves and deploys without her.

and

4. Find a career that's portable.

Although I don't think that any of the above options is the wrong option, or a bad option, I DO think that the most fulfilling choice for me is number 4. I have tried option 1, 2 and 3 for varying lengths of time. For me, staying at home was great when the kids were small, when we were posted overseas and for the in-between periods on a new post or just before moving. But sooner or later, I need to get out and make some money to add to the family income. For my own sanity, and for the mental health of my family I need to do SOMETHING.

So. What careers are the best for an ever-moving family? What careers can move with you? What can a military spouse focus on when looking toward a career? I put this question out on social media and the results of my completely unofficial poll came back looking like this:

Twelve careers that work (in no particular order):

1. Nursing (RN, LPN, RPN...): Great option. Nurses are needed everywhere. Lots of opportunities in different fields (emergency, long term care, surgical...)

2. Dental Hygienist: Again, fairly easy to find work in this area

3. Dental Assistant: Ditto.

4.  Teacher: Often lose seniority, but I know many teachers who have been able to work their way back into the field with each move.

5. Home sales: Lots of options, although difficult to start a new customer base each time you move, it can be done. I have one military spouse friend in the UK who has built her Pampered Chef empire high enough that she gets a free trip almost every year.

6. Tradesperson: Construction, electrician, plumbing...although stereotypically male dominated professions, and military spouses are stereotypically female, don't knock these possibilities. These are good paying options, and are in demand just about everywhere.

7. Transcriptionist (medical/legal): These jobs can be done remotely via internet/phone.

8. Personal Support Worker (PSW): Always needed. Just check your classifieds and you'll see what I mean.

9. Graphic Design: Especially for the web.

10. Any other internet based work...Blogging, content writing, social media, editing, analyst...so many options here.

11. Physiotherapist/Physical Therapist: As a qualified physio, I can highly recommend this as a portable career. I have never wanted for a job. I actually wait until I'm good and ready before I hand out resumes at a new post, because there is always a position waiting to be filled.

12. Author: Again, I can vouch for this one...although the pay isn't great until you get a few published novels under your belt!

Thoughts? Did I miss any? Do you have a career that's portable that I haven't mentioned?

As you can see, the list is very skewed toward the medical side of things. Again, just check your classified ads to see how badly medical professionals are needed where you live! Sure the reset button is ever-present, with new seniority/pay/vacation with each move, but the jobs are usually there. And if you can get hooked up with a national health care company you may even be able to keep some of those benefits.

You'll also note, I haven't included the gate-keeper professions: Doctor, Dentist, Lawyer, Bank CEO. Please don't think that this is because I don't believe military spouses can't do these professions. They can. And if you want to be a doctor, you should go for it. It's just these are professions which often require a long educational and interpersonal commitment and are not easily portable as a result.

On that note, the next problem a military spouse that moves every two to three years would encounter is how can she get the education to live out one of these careers?

I'll be talking about careers, education, and military spouse assistance programs in my next Military Monday post. If you have anything to add, feel free to connect to me via the comments block below, or via my Facebook page. And don't forget to like my page while you are there!

Brenda

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

This weekend I've been spending time with my family and an overflowing table. As today is Thanksgiving Monday here in Canada, instead of a Military Monday, today's post focuses on the many, many things I'm thankful for. A sort of blogger's acknowledgement page.

I'm thankful for where I'm from. The outskirts of a tiny town with acres and acres of old forests, imagination and inspiration. Loving parents, siblings, extended family and friends. Sure it wasn't always happy-happy, but it was a great place to learn and grow. And the foundation of what made me ME.

I'm thankful for a brain that works and the ability to support myself. I'm thankful that my job led me to my husband, and I am eternally thankful for my husband who supports me in every possible way (and who is incidentally celebrating a BIRTHDAY today...Happy birthday Tom!). I'm thankful for the children that miraculously arrived a few years later. They are amazing and loving and smart and silly and they keep my life filled with sunshine.

I'm thankful for this amazing career that popped up out of an idea. And I am so blessed that something I love doing is something I can do from here, on my mother-in-law's couch, from a small village in England, or from the top of a fifty story hotel in New York City.

I'm thankful for my husband's career, which may be the cause of many frustrations, sleepless nights and long separations, but it's also the source of exciting postings, opportunities, and a solid, dependable source of income.

And lastly, I'm thankful for YOU, my reader. It constantly blows me away that people actually read what I write. And you come back. And you comment and support and tell me stories that inspire and lead to more stories.

And for that, I'm giving thanks.


Brenda


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Military Monday: Careers for Military Spouses (Part 1)

Maintaining a Career

(Part one of a three part series)

After my last post, on Finding a Family Doctor, I got thinking about what other aspects of military spouse-hood are both unique and challenging. What parts of normal life-progression are different for spouses of military members?

For me, one of the top items on this list is Careers.

We move. A lot. Sometimes every three years, sometimes yearly, sometimes more than once in a year. Every once in a while, you might see more than that (I have several friends who managed to stay on the same base for more than ten years), but sooner or later the powers that be will pick your spouse for that brilliant posting and boom! Your professional life is on hold.

Pros and Cons

What makes career path maintenance difficult? What are the advantages of life in the military when it comes to employment matters? I put the subject out there on the interwebs, and got very strong and very thoughtful responses. Here's a compressed version of what spouses were saying:

Cons:

1. Most careers are not portable. It's very difficult to maintain an actual professional career path

with all of those moves. Moves tend to hit the 'reset button' for careers: putting you back at the bottom of the seniority list, resetting your vacation time to zero, and adding probationary periods. Often jobs are location specific, as well. Jennifer commented:  "I ran a very successful bar and grill taking home more money then my hubby until I moved here. Now I sadly work in a call center... I tried to open my own bar here, (but the) town council shot me down multiple times".

Along the same lines as this, some career paths (border security for instance) only work when the area you are posted to permit it, or the city is large enough to allow a market or a niche.

2. New post, new day care. Yeah. This is a whole post in itself, so I'll leave it at that. Finding a new day care = stress.

3. The job hunt process. Changes in employment rank high in the top 100 life stressors according to famous stress list makers Holmes and Rahe. An un-looked-for move involves an emotional and mental upheaval that can include:


*Leaving an old job (generally not by choice)
  *Searching for a new job: resume writing, searching the internet and a lot of unavailable time while dealing with all of the other time-consuming move items.
  *Walking into established social situations and trying to find your place.
  *Changing your schedule to meet your job requirements.
  *Rejection after rejection after rejection is hard to take. I have a wonderful friend who went from an Executive position to applying to more than a hundred jobs over several years before she found employment--and that at a significant downgrade in seniority and pay. It was a very difficult and very stressful time for her.

4. Licensing requirements change from province to province, state to state and country to country. As a physiotherapist, I know this issue quite well, and often have to weigh the benefits of having a license in the province/state/country against the effort and money required to obtain a license. This became painfully clear when returning from an out-of-country posting. I discovered my 'hours worked in the past five years' did not meet the provincial requirements. I had to write the national board exams to be re-licensed. One year, three thousand dollars and many, many stressful hours later I was able to work unsupervised again. Lets just say that the next time I let my physiotherapy license lapse will be when I retire...or my other career (writing) becomes self-sustaining.

5. Stereotypes. Hard to believe, but some employers are afraid to hire military spouses, knowing that they might move in the near future. What they miss.

6. ....And all of this happens while you are often dealing with your spouse away on training or deployment, mountains of boxes, finding a doctor, dentist, hair dresser, schools, cable company, grocery store, veterinarian and pharmacy...!

But enough moaning and groaning. There ARE some plusses to being a military spouse!

Pros:

1. Variety. Really, there's so many options for work, even within your own career path. One spouse commented: "I'm a RN and have never been without a job at each move. There's so much you can do. I've worked in small hospitals, large ones, on base. I've also taught." (Thanks Vanessa!) And another spouse (also in nursing) said: "Moving is an opportunity to try it all! Med/surg, community, OR, hospice...my resume is varied." (Thanks Laura!)

2. Opportunities for personal growth. I like to meet challenges head on. And what I personally have found is that each challenge I overcome becomes a huge surge forward on the personal satisfaction scale. Sure it's hard to find a new job, but that first pay-check feels GOOD.

3. Meeting new people. Making new friends every few years becomes a daunting task. And our

Me in the middle, with my two wonderful
(and pregnant) coworkers,
Jenny and Sara...so sad to have left that job!
We had such a great time there...

military spouse friends are often our first, and longest lasting friendships. But working allows a new outlet to meet people. It may be hard at first, as local non-military women and men tend to be skeptical of putting the effort into a new friendship, but these people are virtual mines of information about dentists, hair dressers and schools. And often these friends become lifelong connections.

4.  Military spouses are great employees. We have a lot of desirable attributes. We are hard working, we are resilient, we have great skill sets and we are often willing to put in the extra effort. If employers latch on to this, and recognize our value, they can become great assets in our career paths. And we have a lot of resources available to help us transition from place to place. Military Family Resource Centres in Canada have an entire section dedicated to Employment Assistance services. If you haven't already checked it out, you should. And there are many military spouses looking for others to network with,  and potentially hire. You can find one such group (The Military Family Small Business Association) here.

There are also many career counselling services and spouses-helping-spouses programs available for newly posted military spouses. Just a quick google search will give you a long list of available options. Resume writing, job searches, aptitude testing...government run and otherwise, there are many options available for you if you feel stuck.

4. And lastly, but certainly not least...That reset button can be a LIFE-SAVER. Wow, there have been times when I couldn't WAIT to move on to something new. Inter-personal conflicts, nasty work schedules, long commutes, stressful job situations...they all GO AWAY with a new move. Even without all of those things, a fresh new job and fresh new outlook can make a huge difference in your mental and emotional well being.

So what are your thoughts? Any other pros and/or cons of military spouse career-hood you'd like to share? Any suggestions for overcoming difficulties? Please click on the comment button and share your opinions!

Next week I'll be listing careers that withstand the military lifestyle. Tune in next Monday, or leave your suggestions on my Facebook Page! And while your at it...why not 'like' my page and get regular updates on Military Mondays and my new book, DEPENDENT, due out July 29th, 2014!


Brenda
 

Military Mondays: Meet Roberta Flood

FOUNDER OF ZQUARED AWAY

Roberta Flood

Today’s guest is Roberta (Bobbi) Flood, a friend, entrepreneur and US Coast Guard wife, currently residing in the D.C area.  Bobbi and I met thirteen years ago when we (well, actually our husbands) were both posted to USCG Air Station Elizabeth City and our kidlets were babies. Some serious book clubbing and baby play-dates ensued…and through the wonders of Facebook we’ve managed to keep in touch.

Welcome Bobbi! Thanks so much for joining us on Military Monday!

Thanks Brenda.  I have been reluctant to join Facebook for years, but now I see how wonderful it is to reconnect with pals from the past.  I’m so glad to have found you and learn about your writing career.

So Bobbi, tell us a little about yourself. What is your connection to the military?

I’m military through and through.  I was raised as an Army Brat moving every two to three years.  We were fortunate enough to experience overseas duty stations such as Italy and Korea.  I was in the Army myself for seven years.  Now my husband is a U.S. Coast Guard pilot and we are moving our family around the country every few years.  It has come full circle for me I guess.

 

Can you give us a brief outline of your career path, and how the Coast Guard/Military life has affected it?

Brenda, I have to tell you that I pretty much do most things in the wrong order.  After college and during my first job I felt the desire to join the military.  So I enlisted in the Army.  Boy did the drill sergeants have fun with that: a college educated recruit.  I served in the Illinois Army National Guard while juggling my work for the Department of Natural Resources as a grower of native plant species.  During this time I took leave to do the OCS program (officer candidate school), start graduate school in Landscape Architecture, and eventually was selected for flight school. 

After I got married, my husband started his career in the Coast Guard.  And we decided to have a family.  I self selected myself out of everything.  The funny thing was that I really thought I could be a stay at home mom, do landscape design on the side, and fly in a reserve unit all at the same time.  After a few weeks with a new born, I quickly realized I wouldn’t get anything done but maybe a load of laundry, and not even folded at that.

Flash forward a decade now.  We have moved every few years and grown our family.  A friend of mine had a house fire and lost everything including heirloom photos, scrapbooks, and pre-digital memories.  It got me thinking.  As an army helicopter pilot, I was used to wearing Nomex flight suits that have some inherent flame resistance. I could not let go of the idea that fire protection for household memorabilia could come in more forms that are fire safe.  It took me about 6 or 7 years to incubate the idea.

 

Tell us about ZquaredAway…how did your company come into being?

I finally reached the point were I was ready to jump on in and give this idea a try.  I spent the last two years in product development, testing, marketing and building a brand. It has been a ton of work but if nothing else, I have learned so much.  A business owner has to know a little about everything from payroll to the needle and thread size to use in manufacturing.

 

How are sales going? Any plans for the future?

ZquaredAway is now selling on Amazon with success.  Amazon offers a start-up the opportunity to reach millions.  We just need a decimal of that amount to prove my concept.  We plan to team up with a manufacturing facility here in the USA to expand production.  

Back to your military background, what are some of your favourite things about the Coast Guard life?

I love to tell people about where my kids go on their field trips because that pretty much shows how blessed we are to move to such unique regions. In Alaska, the kids would walk from school to a tidal basin and pick up starfish and sea cucumbers. In Cape Cod, they took trips to Martha’s Vineyard.  In Arizona, a graduate school tour for my husband, we were only two hours from the Grand Canyon and the kid’s classes would go hike up there. Now we are in the D.C. area.  We are ten minutes from all the monuments and capital hill and the field trip possibilities are endless.  These are places that people dream their entire lives of visiting.

 

What about challenges? Do your feel that life as a Coastie wife has presented challenges that others may not have experienced?

Brenda, I’d like to answer that in regards to career and kids.  First, no matter how we tell ourselves that moving is a benefit for our children and that it makes them stronger, more resilient kids, the truth is it doesn’t make it any easier on them.  They have to prove themselves in a new group of kids each time they move and establish who they are. It is so important to be there for them during each transition. 

As a spouse, I had pretty much given up on a career.  Unless you are in a career field that needs folks anywhere, establishing a steady climbing career is just tough.  I chose to lean out and be a steady factor for our kids. I have a friend that likes to say “there will be many chapters to her life.”  I love that quote because I understand that now.  I feel blessed to be able to begin another new chapter now.

That's a great saying--"many chapters".  I may have to use that sometime. Thanks so much for joining us Bobbi! Maybe someday we’ll get down your way again to share a glass of wine.

Thank you Brenda for the opportunity to share my thoughts. Good luck on your next book.  You’re an inspiration to us all.

Aww... :) I've only done a few of these posts, and I'm already finding out so much about military spouses. How strong they are, how inventive they are, and how dedicated they are to their husbands/wives and families. It's been a privilege having you on my blog.

 

You can find out more about Bobbi’s fabulous ZquaredAway fire, water, and heat  resistant covers at: https://www.zquaredaway.com/ . She’s also on Facebook.

 

Brenda