Dependent Re-release

New cover! Design by Streetlight Graphics.

Dependent's second edition is now ready for pre-order and will be available December 9th! 

It's been a few complicated months of rights discussions, editing, cover art and formatting work, but the Fortunate Frog Fiction edition of Dependent is ready to go and will release next week. This story is darker than my YA writing, and deals with some heavy issues. Sexual assault in the military setting, the culture of rank, deployments, moving...many of the things our military spouses deal with every day. 

If you haven't read it yet, please consider it for your reading list. There will be a Goodreads giveaway posted here next week and you could win one of two copies of the new edition. I'm also part of small blog tour to celebrate the re-release.

If you have read it, please share your thoughts in a review (Amazon and Goodreads are very easy platforms...), and don't forget to share with your friends!

Thank you to all who have supported me through this transition. 

Brenda

Throwback Thursday: Chin High and Pushing Through.

The following is cut and pasted from my older blog (This Mom is Overdunne), originally posted five years ago in July of 2010. At the time my hubby was deployed, and I was feeling...well...hard done by. A lot has happened since then,(two moves, many more challenges and successes...) and we've weathered the storms to get to where we are now. 

I have many friends who are in the various stages of deployment, and I wish them all the best as they hold their chins high and push through the difficult days. 

I hope they know that they are loved. 

I hope they know that it will pass. 

And I hope they know how very, very important they are.


Originally posted HERE on July 18, 2010:

Quarrels, Quinte Cups, Conversation Killers (and Queries)

It's been a month and a half that I've been parenting on my own, thanks to the Canadian Armed Forces. The kids and I have gotten into a routine. We've pulled one of the chairs away from the table, so it doesn't seem so empty without dad (pictured, left) there. I work my shortened work week, I taxi the kids to their activities, and I try (unsuccessfully) to keep the house from looking like a complete pig stye. I feed them at least one vegetable a day. We eat out more than once a week. Pretty normal, actually.

According to my handy-dandy Family Deployment Handbook (FDH), I'm right on schedule. I'm in the 'Recovery and Stabilization Phase'. Meaning...I'm not sick? And I'm not so unstable? That the old boat ain't so tipsy? True, the almost-in-labour anxiety has calmed down, and I spend less time sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor sobbing. But I still hate it. Just because I'm not running down our country road screaming obscenities and pulling my hair out doesn't mean I don't think about it. 

The FDH states that by week 6 I should be experiencing "Feelings of increased confidence, independence, competence, freedom, pride, isolation, anxiety and depression". How can you be confident and still be depressed? How can you feel competent and independent, yet have anxiety? Living in deployment-land is full of nasty contradictions. I'm moodier than a PMSing teen deprived of sleep and coffee. One thing's for sure...if Momma's grumpy, everyone's grumpy. I try to be patient. But patience has never been my forte. So the kids are less patient with each other...and then the fights start. I have adopted the 'Mom's having a time out' technique. Rather than blow up at them for blowing up at each other, I lock myself in my bedroom and count to 1000 (10 just doesn't cut it). It works...more or less. The kids go 'Huh?' and stop quarrelling. And I get a precious moment or two by myself.

It bugs me that the little FDH book is so accurate, though. I hate to be pegged. But it's right. Independent? My husband (and parents, and siblings...)will tell you that he didn't have to go away for me to be independent. And now that he's gone, independence has hit full force. Whatever you do, DON'T suggest I can't do something. I'm like a kid with a dare. Two weekends ago the girls were at their first away horse show (One of the Quinte Cup Series)of the season. Two ponies, two girls, my son, saddles, bridles, helmets, show outfits, water, a sun shelter, chairs, food, diabetic supplies (for my youngest) and coffee, all had to be packed into boxes, trucks and trailers for a day long show in the heat. We got up at 4 a.m. to leave. And it went...okay. We got there, the girls showed, and we came home. I did it, with help from others, of course, but I did it. So there, ha ha. Independent me. 

And as to coversation killers... I read a post on Facebook this week that just about hit the nose on the head. I can't find it now (of course) and can't find the author, so forgive me if you wrote it. (And let me know if you did so I can give you credit) but it was along the lines of "14 things to NOT say to a spouse of a deployed soldier". I have great friends, and they generally know how it is with me. But I'd like to paraphrase a few of the points:

1. "I know how you feel." You don't. Heck, I don't even know how I feel most of the time. If your husband has NOT gone away for 6 months and flown in and out of Afghanistan at least once during that time, you don't know how I feel. If you haven't sat beside your diabetic daughter at 3 in the morning praying her sugars come down, you don't know how I feel. Just like I don't know how you're getting through whatever challenge you have in your life right now. My FDH tells me I feel isolated. Darn right. I'm alone in my experiences. I don't generally want to talk about it with anyone, because it kills the conversation dead. 

2. "It could be worse, he could be in..." Gee, thanks. Make me feel even worse than I already feel. Sure, he could be somewhere worse. I'm sure there are a million things that could make my current situation even more stressful. Do I want to think about them right now? NO.

3. "Well at least the kids are older (not babies)" Have you ever had a pre-pubescent daughter? Not fun. Tears at least twice a day. And my kids are old enough to understand where their dad is. They get it. It's on the news every day. Someone killed, someone bombed, funding cuts...I try to turn off the news, and thankfully hubby is not in Afghanistan all of the time, but they hear it. And they think about it. Babies don't. 

I could go on and on, but the negative vibes are making me grumpy, so I'd like to add a change of tone. I want to give you a few things I'd LIKE to hear. Music to the deployed spouse's ear, a balm for my tired soul. 

1. "Here's a gift certificate to the spa. I'll stay at your house and watch your kids." I don't have time to look after myself these days, what with summer (ie kids are home), work and taxiing. I'd love to have a moment alone. And if my kids are home, I have less to worry about than if you took them to...Wonderland or anywhere else far away and less safe. I can't relax if I think there's some danger. And with a diabetic daughter, keeping my diabetes-educated kids together, and keeping them at home means easy access to whatever food, medicine, or equipment she needs. If you offer something like this to a military spouse, though...make sure you follow through. There is nothing worse than looking at a gift certificate on the fridge for six months straight. And I can guarantee they won't ask you about it.

2. "Let me pick up the milk, pizza...(insert food item here)" I could really use help with lunch/supper now and then. I love to cook, but hate to decide WHAT to cook. We live 10 minutes away from even a corner store, so dinner = preplanning. The less I have to do, the better.

3. "You look great." "You're doing great." "You're a super mom." "You're husband is so lucky to have you." "Insert compliment here." What I'm doing is hard. My main cheerleader is gone. My kids complain. A little bit of heartfelt flattery goes a long way. 

And here's one for just me...

4. "I loved your query...please send me your full manuscript!" Sorry, had to say it. My biggest project for the week ahead is to FINALLY send off a couple of queries to agents in hope that one of them will support my book. A wholelotta anxiety over that one, I can tell you! I've spent over a year editing and coddling it since my last misguided attempts(yup, I did EVERYTHING wrong with those first queries). It's time to let go again, and see what happens. Query number one went out today. Wish me luck.

Brenda

7 Reasons Why Military Wives are Stressed Out All of the Time (But you may not know it)

I've haven't posted much on my Military Monday blogs over the past few weeks, not for lack of things to post about, but because I had SO MANY things I wanted to post about, and didn't know where to start. I'll admit, I hadn't planned a post for today. Today is 'Family Day' in British Columbia. A provincial holiday designed to encourage family together time. A great initiative, even when together time means posting on your blog while your teens snore happily from their beds at 9 a.m..

This weekend I read two blog posts. The first one, posted by a friend of mine who is currently on a duty station in the United Kingdom, entitled The Military Family Vaccination Problem. You can read it here on Canadian Army Wife's blog. It struck a cord with me, having dealt with this very problem a few weeks ago, so much so that I wrote a long, drawn out comment. Incidentally, the same blog was reposted this morning on the Canadian Medical Association's Blog which you can find here.

The second blog was by Dr. Psych Mom on Huffington Post's blog, entitled: 7 Reasons Your Wife is Stressed Out All The Time. It can be found here.

Both blogs highlighted real problems. One was more military-centric, the other more general. But they got me thinking. I have many, many friends who are military wives who somehow manage to hold down a job, raise healthy, happy children, and meet the 'expectations' of being a military wife with panache. I'd even like to include myself in this group. These ladies take the term Supermom to a new level.

What you don't see, though, is the exhaustion beneath the facade. Why? Because even though they might be stressed out, they have learned to put on a brave face. Their problems are minimal, because hey, their husbands job is so much more stressful than anything they could ever do.

1. Military Wives are Judged Differently Than Other Wives.

This may sound picky, but it's the truth. How many times have I heard, 'But you must be used to it by now'. Or: 'You should have known what you were getting yourself into when you married him'. The thing is, there is nothing you could do to prepare yourself for three days of barfing kids in a snowstorm a thousand miles from your family while your husband is under fire in Afghanistan. Nothing. But it happens.

2. Women Need More Sleep Than Men.

I love that Dr. Rodman included this in her blog, and I'm reposting it here, because in the military lifestyle, the sleep thing is even more complicated. There is no way a military wife would suggest her hubby gets up to deal with the crying baby when she knows he's going to be training with live ammunition the next day. Or flying a multi-million dollar aircraft. Or searching in broiling ocean waters for a lost fisherman. And when hubby is deployed, she's on her own...often for months at a time. If she doesn't get up to soothe the crying baby, no one will. And the toddler gets up at 5 a.m....

3. Help Is Often Far Away.

The closest I have lived to my mother (i.e. the go-to person for mothering matters) is 600 km away. Right now she is an entire country away. More than 3000 km away. And my bestest friend (other than my husband) is almost the same distance. Add time zone differences and busy lifestyles, and I'm lucky if I speak with either of them once a week. That's pretty typical for military wives. And if their most trusted friends are not nearby, they won't ask for help.

4. The Help That's Close is Inaccessible.

This one is tricky. The military is wonderful for providing help for military spouses. We have many, many resources available to us. Social workers, support groups, discussion panels, gym facilities, casual childcare... the list goes on. Especially in Canada, the Military Family Resource Centres (MFRCs) are a huge help in navigating the lifestyle we have chosen to lead. The problem is not lack of resources. The problem is accessing them.

Occasionally getting to the resource, i.e. basic geography, is the issue. Take Ottawa for example. The city is vast. The MFRC is wonderful. But for most wives, the actual programmes are at least a 45 min drive to access.

The biggest problem with accessing help, though, is the stigma associated with it. Military wives, like their husbands, do not want to be seen as weak. They want to be supermom. They want to look like they've got it together. So walking into an MFRC to access a support group for deployed spouses is the last thing they want to do. Nor do they want to tell hubby (who is getting shot at on a regular basis) that they need help.

It's a problem with no ready solution. The MFRCs continue to search for one, though, and for that they should be applauded.

5. Military Wives Deal With Many Life Stressors At Once.

Moving itself is a stressor. Move to a new country, new job, new doctors and new schools with a new rental agreement, an unsold previous home, two toddlers and a newborn? That's a lot of stressors. Add a husband that leaves three days later for a 1.5 month 'indoctrination course'? Yeah. And don't say that would never happen, because I've done it.

Military wives deal with this stuff every one to four years, Sometimes less. Moving is hugely stressful, and there are always issues. Always problems. And mom often takes the brunt of it. The vaccination issues that Canadian Army Wife illustrated are just the tip of the iceberg. Finding a new family doctor (read about it here) is one of my biggest headaches. Same with dealing with new schools and trying to explain an educational issue for the umpteenth time to a new teacher. It's hard to explain how stressful that is to hubby, because as Dr. Rodman says, women are judged differently than men. A dad who walks into the school with a child with learning difficulties is much more likely to be listened to. Especially if he's still wearing his uniform.

Add PTSD into the equation, and life gets even more complicated. Great articles on the PTSD struggle can be found here and here.

6. Tradition Is A Harsh Taskmaster.

Oh boy. Tradition. The unwritten code of etiquette that dictates the everyday life a military family. Rank, duty, honour, expectation. All difficult to manoeuvre and all without a handbook. And each post has it's own micro-culture that you have to figure out upon arrival. Talk about stress. And a lot of military wives have no previous military experience, so learning how to manoeuvre life on base is like learning a completely new culture. With no course to explain it.

7. Guilt.

Guilt is a four letter word masquerading as a five.

In most military families, the husband is the breadwinner. His job--a soldier/airman/marine/sailor--dictates where the family lives, when he works, how long he works and what he does. The military 'owns' him, so to speak.

Most military wives get it. They don't want to complain. They understand that his job is hard. They get that they have to move...again. They understand that hubby has to be deployed...again. But they have to reconcile that understanding with the complex difficulties of their life. They wouldn't dream of asking for help because they see that as weakness. They feel their problems are minuscule compared to hubby's 24-hour-a-day job in the desert. He needs to focus on staying safe. He needs to know that everything's okay at home--his wife is managing, his kids are alright, the bills are being paid and the household is just fine--so that he can concentrate on his dangerous job. So they feel guilty that they even think about being stressed, which only makes them more stressed. And then they feel guilty that they themselves are stressed when hubby's job is just so much more stressful.

And do they talk about it? No.


As I mentioned above, the good news is that there are resources available. And military leaders are aware of these stressors and are trying to help. Talking about stressors for military wives is the first step. Are you a military spouse? What stresses you out? How do you deal with stress? Do you talk about stressors with your husband or do you go elsewhere? What do you find helps?

I'd love to hear below.

Brenda

Military Monday: Posting Phase Eight: The Insanity.

Not one, not two, but FIVE trucks
just outside of our house...

So I was all happily writing away at my lovely posting phases and making everything sound all organized and perfect when...BOOM. It happened. The INSANITY. Pre-pack day, pack day, load day, clean day, drive away day and suddenly I'm on the other side of the country, launching my book, shaking my head and wondering what the heck happened.

Rory the horse. Not happy with his can on wheels.

This is what it is to have a military move. Insanity. No amount of planning can prepare you for the weeks of chaos and restaurant meals and unexpected car repairs. No one can give you a list that gets you ready to put everything you own on someone else's truck (or in our case, three trucks...) and watch it drive away. And no magic number of previous moves can prepare you for that next move...because just when you think you've seen it all, something else gets thrown in to shake things up a bit.  Like having your books arrive but no shelving units. Or the lovely metal-scraping sound that appeared as we hauled our horse trailer (with horse) over some of the steepest roads in the country.

Drive thru ice-cream place in rural Ontario,
Rory was a hit.

This was our first time moving with a horse, and it added a whole new meaning to drive-thru restaurants and Bed and Breakfast lodging. 'Is hay included in the price?'--and-- 'Indoor or outdoor paddocks?' were not questions we previously had encountered when booking a move. And you think your toddler doesn't want to get in the car? Try loading a thousand pound horse that's got a bruise on his behind and is leaving his new-found best friends. Can you blame him for not wanting to walk into a non-air-conditioned can on wheels?

Bed, Bale and Breakfast in Kenaston,
Saskatchewan

Add 5000km of driving, several hair-raising turns with unthinkable cliffs on the other side, a state-of-emergency due to flooding, tornado warnings, seriously bad mosquitos (Manitoba really does have the worlds biggest mosquitos), all with three tall teens in the back seat of a pick up truck. And don't forget a hike up a mountain creek, a gondola ride to the top of a Mountain, some wonderful meals, some okay meals, some truly scary pit-stops and then end with a ferry ride...that brings us to the other side of a truly massive continent...where our house was not quite ready for us.

Hoodoos in Drumheller

A few more hotel nights, unload day (x3), unpack day (x1), a clothes dryer fire, a sewage back up in the basement (which was full of boxes), more hotel days, DEPENDENT's book launch, several formal military events (including my husband's Change of Command ceremony) and many other crazy moments that I won't mention here, and you get a brief taste of the past month.

Insanity.

And would I have it any other way?

Not a chance!

Am I crazy? Quite possibly.

But in amongst those mad moments were some truly wonderful family adventures. We stood at the top of a mountain. We went as far west as the kids have EVER been. We saw dinosaur bones, a live moose, the Terry Fox Memorial, and real hoo doos. We mets some amazing people with open arms and kind hearts. We giggled. And laughed, and joked and explored. We learned that generosity lives not in big bank accounts but in small gestures of friendship. And we did it together.

Sulfur Mountain in Banff

Move in day...

We're here! Dipping my feet in the Pacific. 

 What's insane is how well it all went. It's insane that we are here, that we drove that far with five people in a pickup truck towing a horse, and we're still talking to one another. It's insane that our travel costs were covered by the military--not all of them, but most. And it's so insane that we live here...in this beautiful town on this beautiful island. Yes, we've still got boxes artfully hidden under tablecloths and crammed in corners, and yes I'm sick of disorganization, mess and chaos...but we made it.

Together.

And that is what it's all about.


Brenda

More posting phases: Seven (look for more at the bottom of the link!)

Military Monday: Laugh

My husband and I took a cruise in the Mediterranean for our honeymoon a whole lot of years ago. We opted for the shared dining experience in the big dining room, and were fortunate enough to share our table with a family of five from Hamilton. I can't remember their names...only that dad was a lawyer and mom was a nurse and the kids were all in their mid to late teens.

This Hamilton family expanded their space to us and we became part of their unit over the next few days. I remember thinking how nice it was that they were travelling as a family, even though the kids were older. That at a time when most kids wanted nothing to do with their parents, their three almost-grown children wanted to be with their parents. I admired them as a family. Why?

They were having FUN together.

They joked with Dad about the 'real leather vest' (obviously fake) he'd bought off of a pedlar on the street. They giggled about how Dad had danced with the feather-boa clad entertainers on stage. Mom smiled and daughters whispered and son tried to look mature and grown-up, and they teased and joked and giggled and five course meals passed in seconds.

I remember thinking that some day, I wanted a family like that.

This family stuck with me as my husband and I had children of our own over the next few years. And now in the blink of an eye we have teens. (How is that possible? Weren't they just babies yesterday?) Our life is crazy and hectic and with two careers and military life and a farm and a thousand extra-curriculars, I wonder how we can possibly make it to next week, let alone manage stay together as a family. When hubby is on one side of the world and I'm knee deep in assorted excrement (think dog, cat, sheep, chicken, horse...) and I have to somehow get three kids to three different parts of the country by myself, on a day I have to be at work, and I've got writing deadlines and groceries to buy and laundry to do and--oh yes!--did I mention it's posting season and the house has to be spotless because the real estate agents are taking pictures while we're out?

I'll tell you how we manage.

We laugh.

We giggle and we joke and we do silly things and instead of taking things seriously, we take risks.
We  go skiing when it's thirty below zero. We drive to places we've never seen. Dad tells the same silly jokes over and over and when he goes away we eat popcorn for supper and play loud music and dance.

Sometimes it's hard to laugh. When people are sick, when the money is short, when friendships go awry or when bad things happen. When reunions get delayed.  When information doesn't get passed on. When Dad misses a birthday. There will always be a fine line between laughter and tears. There's nothing wrong with tears. Tears are strength in liquid form.

But if at all possible, tip things upward and giggle. Find something in it to laugh about.

Ten years later we'll look back on the difficult times and laugh. We'll wonder what we were so worried about. Because really, laughter is background music for great family memories.

Brenda


"I think laughter may be a form of courage. As humans we sometimes stand tall and look into the sun and laugh, and I think we are never more brave than when we do that."
                   ~Linda Ellerbee

Military Monday...The Wait

Hurry up and wait.

The mantra of military folk everywhere.

The Dunne family are still in a holding pattern, so I won't bore you with more stories of new life forms found in teenager's closets. Or the terrifying ordeal of tackling the storage room. Or the garage (which has yet to be attempted). Phase two is still in full swing, the cleaning out of closets continues. The getting rid of junk marches on.

And we have no news.

**cue Jeopardy music**

Such is the life.

So.....anyone out there gotten a posting message already?  Where are you off to? Anything exciting?

In the meantime, the Dunne writing world is spooling up for the launch of DEPENDENT on July 29th. And big news...

I have eARCs! 

Paper copies are coming soon, so if you have a blog, are interested in reviewing or hosting me on your blog during the DEPENDENT BLOG TOUR this summer, let me know! I can send you the link for the blog tour sign up.

And don't forget that you can pre-order on Amazon here.  Or head on over to the Goodreads page and pop DEPENDENT on your to-read list!

Happy Monday,

Brenda

2014 Let the changes begin!

January sunrise.

January has been a bit of a write-off for me--no pun intended. Sometimes you just gotta go with it. Christmas vacation, day job nuttiness, family responsibilities and other things reduced my writing time to next to nothing, and with personal deadlines looming, my stress level went waaaaay up. I was not happy, I couldn't focus on my writing and everything else was suffering. Then my day job announced a  HUGE change which left me in a bit of a pickle.

I had to make some BIG decisions, do a little soul searching, and come up with a way to make it all work.

I really suck at making decisions.

REALLY.

I moaned and groaned and gnashed my teeth--just a tiny bit. Okay, a lot. My hubby, God bless him, listened and patted my back and said all the right things. My kids hugged me and gave me VIP snuggles. Even my in-laws heard my story and gave me great support. But in the end, I had to choose between what is right, what is easy, and what will keep me from diving head-first off of the deep end.

I've cut my day job hours.

Yup.

Scary, but necessary. You see, I love my day job, really I do. It's fulfilling, and I'm so blessed to have the ability to work with such amazing people. But writing…writing is my PASSION. When my fingers hit the keyboard and the stories start falling out it's…magic. It's indescribable. It makes me happy. Even if what I'm writing is crap. It's…it's just right.

More days to write + still working at wonderful day job = happier Brenda. All fixed, right?

Well…almost.

You see, on top of everything else, there are VERY LOUD rumours (not yet confirmed) that we are posted this summer.

Ah the joys of military life. Just get things sorted out and, BOOM! The 'P' word!

POSTED.

For those of you who have never experienced the mental, physical and emotional chaos of a military posting, lucky you! I suspect most of my readers have had to move for some reason or another in their lives. If it comes to fruition, this move will be move number nine in the seventeen years my hubby and I have been together. (It would have been number eleven, but we opted to stay put whilst hubby went unaccompanied to Toronto two years ago). That's a big number, but I know others who have moved many more times than us. So I'm not complaining. Just laying down the background.

When you move that often, you develop a process. A personal/family survival plan of how it works best for you. No move is ever perfect (and believe me, we've had some doozies) but with the right amount of planning and flexibility, they can be a lot of fun and even an adventure. New places and new  people and experiences--new everything! Well, except our stuff. That's not so new. Nine moves makes for some lovely dents and scratches on the furniture, broken frames, smashed china, ripped upholstery, flattened lampshades, unserviceable electronics... But I digress.

The point I am trying to make is that 2014 is going to be a year of change, and I am so excited to start! What changes are happening for you this year? Moving? New job? New manuscript?

I can't wait to see what the year brings. I'll be blogging about posting prep and processes over the next few months.

And then in July… BOOK LAUNCH!

It's going to be a great year!

Brenda

Mistletoe Memories: Military Family

On this day six years ago I truly came to understand the meaning of the Military Family.

Picture this: You are three thousand miles away from your hometown, living in the beautiful British countryside. Your husband is at work, without cell phone. You've met so many nice people in the past three months, and are just starting to feel settled, looking forward to the Christmas build up in a new country.

The morning starts off crisp and fresh, a beautiful walk with your children to school past hopping bunnies and frost-covered holly berries. The world you live in is surreal, beautiful and foreign. Life is pretty good. You take your youngest to a routine doctor appointment, the doctor is unconcerned, runs some routine tests and sends you on your way. Then you drop her, all of five, dressed in her cute little British uniform, off at her kindergarten class. All errands completed, you settle in for a quiet afternoon of solitude, writing and laundry.

The phone rings.

You answer, still unsuspecting, and when the doctor says hello, your stomach falls.

"Mrs. Dunne? You need to go pick up your daughter from school right now. Take her directly to the hospital. Pack an overnight bag. They're waiting for you, there is a bed set up in the pediatrics ward."

Panic, fear, worry...the next hours are a blur. You try to stay strong, act like this is no big deal while you drive blurry eyed to the hospital, watch your baby get an IV while doctors and nurses rotate through, while your daughter gets her first of thousands of insulin shots. When someone finally confirms the diagnosis. When someone finally admits that this is it, there is no cure, there is no doubt.

You can't reach your husband. You try the only people you can think of to help. Your neighbours, your new friends, people you've known for all of three months.

And they embrace your crisis as their own.

Your other children? Picked up from school, fed, cared for. Your husband? Pulled from the rugby pitch by your neighbour and driven to the hospital to be with you. Balloons and books and flowers sent within hours. Phone calls of support. Cooked meals delivered to your home.

Everything is taken care of, without question or fanfare, so that you can concentrate on getting your little girl better.

This is what happened to me six years ago today. And this is, in a nutshell, what it's like to live in a military family. Your family expands. People you've never met become your allies, your friends, your family by chance. You help them and they help you.

Sure it's lonely at times, frustrating to be so far away from your blood family. The closest we will ever live to my parents is a 6 hour drive away. I miss them. I wish they were here and I could just call and ask for help, or pop by and share a cup of coffee.

But your 'military family' are there for you when you need them. Sometimes they are civilian, sometimes they wear uniforms. They're your neighbours, your friends, your coworkers. They speak different languages, come from different backgrounds.

And they've got your back. They would do anything for you in times of crisis.

I love my military family and I am so thankful for them!

How about you? Have you had a special 'military family' or other experience like this? Would love to hear your story! Drop me a comment in the box below.

Brenda

Military Monday: Waiting

Oh, patience. My downfall. My weakness. My ever not-present friend.

The military lifestyle requires patience in abundance. So much waiting! So much hoping and crossing fingers while the POWERS THAT BE decide your spouse's fate and you smile and nod and support from behind.

I suck at waiting.

(Those who have been with me for a while will remember a post not to long ago about my lack of patience in the writing world...mind you, it all paid off in the end...)

I suck at waiting because I am a PLANNER. I like to have all my cute little canards in a row as soon as possible, so that I'm prepared to ride the wave when it hits. I was a great Girl Guide. Be prepared? That's me.

Unfortunately when your entire life is dictated by your spouse's job, a job which can change at a moment's notice, planning is impossible. Waiting for news about a deployed spouse, waiting for dates of return, waiting for phone calls, waiting for insurance claims, waiting to find out where in the world you are going to be living eight months from now...waiting, waiting, waiting.

How many of you are out there waiting for your posting orders? (Or I should say your spouse's posting orders, but really, it's the same thing isn't it?) How many of you start searching the real estate sites the second you even hear a squeak about a posting message?

That would be me.


In fact, I probably started searching mls.ca a year ago, just in case. I've got a real estate app on my iPhone for moments when I feel the urge to drive myself crazy with the fact that the perfect house is for sale right now in the place we may or may not be posted. Oh, and let's not forget the wait to actually go on your house hunting trip because your current house hasn't sold. Torture for compulsive planners like me.

So am I alone in this? How about you?

What are you waiting for?


Brenda

DEPENDENT Cover Reveal!

       I am extremely and utterly thrilled to share with you the fine work of the design team at Jolly Fish Press! They've taken my story and turned it into a picture (a difficult job, let me tell you), and I LOVE it! It's fabulous.

Ready to see it?

       Well, before I show you, may I just add that DEPENDENT is now up on GOODREADS! Pop on by and click on that little 'to read' button!

       And if you like what you see there, did you know that it is also up on AMAZON for pre-order? This blows my mind. The release day is in July of 2014, but there it is.

Ready to see it now?

       Oh, if you want to keep up to date with what's going on, the best place for updates is my FACEBOOK page. 'Like' my page to get my posts in your feed.

Now are you ready to see it?

 

OKAY!

Scroll down for the big reveal!

*Drum roll please*

 

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TA DAA!

 

 

 

       SO? What do you think? Pop your thoughts in the comments block below!

 

 

       I LOVE it. I love the lower case 'dependent', the simplicity and femininity of her hair. I love that she is bare beneath the cage of her title. I love the black and white. And I love the purple, a mix of Air Force blue and feminine pink. When you read the book, you'll see why these things matter to me.

 

       Here's the teaser blurb from Amazon:

 

 

      When 45-year-old Ellen Michaels loses her husband to a tragic military accident, she is left in a world of gray. For 25 years her life has been dictated by the ubiquitous They—the military establishment that has included her like chattel with John’s worldly goods—his Dependents, Furniture, and Effects. They—who have stolen her hopes, her dreams and her innocence, and now in mere months will take away the roof over her head. Ellen is left with nothing to hold on to but memories and guilt and an awful secret that has held her in its grip since she was 19. John’s untimely death takes away her anchor, and now, without the military, there is no one to tell her where to go, what to do—no one to dictate who she is. Dependent deals with issues ever-present in today’s service families—early marriage, frequent long absences, the culture of rank, and posttraumatic stress, as well as harassment and abuse of power by higher-ranking officials. It presents a raw and realistic view of life for the lives of the invisible support behind the uniform

 

 

       Thank you, and please SHARE!

 

       Brenda

Military Monday: Careers for Military Spouses - Education

PART 3 OF A 3 PART SERIES

One of the many problems for military spouses attempting to embark on a new career path is the difficulty in obtaining a degree or diploma in their preferred field. Once again, we move. And our husbands go away a lot. And we often have young children at home and no family in the same time zone, let alone the same town. The application deadlines generally fall before posting messages come out, so even when you do apply, there's no guarantee you'll be able to follow through. And education is expensive! How do you afford four or more years of courses when you are barely making ends meet now?

So...is there any hope for a military spouse looking to get a new start in the job market?


In a word...YES! Although no one can guarantee it will be easy (it won't), there are many avenues you can pursue, and many military spouses have successfully completed the necessary education in spite of the challenges. The big question is how?

Firstly, all Canadian Military Family Resource Centres have an Education and Training component with Resource Libraries and links to help you investigate the possibilities. Whether it be for adult high school, college, university, or other courses, they are there to help you succeed. Start your journey by paying them a visit.

Not in Canada? Although I'm no expert on the American/British/Australian/other systems, similar programs exist to help you as well. Military.com has a tab dedicated to education for American spouses(as well as many other sites), and for British MoD spouses I believe the HIVE system has resources to help you.

When narrowing down to a specific course of study, a military spouse has to consider several key factors:

1. Does the educational institution have a distance learning possibility for your course? Some universities operate almost entirely online. Abathasca University is one example that has a great track record and is very portable. Other universities suggested by my readers included U of Manitoba, and Mount Saint Vincent University.

2. Is financial assistance available? Some universities offer special scholarships for adult learners, there are also tax breaks for those enrolled in secondary education. A low interest loan may be the best bet. Or, have you considered doing your degree on one of the military training plans, like ROTP? (I got my physiotherapy degree this way) Talk to your local MFRC or the finance/tuition assistance section of your university for more info.

3. Childcare? How can I study with the kids at home? Nothing like having a sick toddler and a twenty page paper due the next day. All I can say to this one is that there is always a way. Not necessarily an easy or perfect way, but a way. Talk to your spouse, friends, MFRC, university, family members...and figure it out. Plan around naptimes and bedtimes. And plan to keep long hours and late nights.

4. What happens if...? Expect problems. Completing a new degree or diploma will take time, energy and money. You will have questions and no idea how to get the answers. You'll have sick kids and no child care, long assignments and no time. You'll get an unexpected posting message. Your spouse will be deployed. Try to plan ahead for possible snags so that when they happen you'll be prepared. In the end it will be worth it!

When it comes to your education...there is always a way.

Have an spousal education story or an education solution you'd like to share? Know something I don't? (Very likely :) )Please comment below, or talk to me on facebook here. You may just help another spouse in the same situation!

Thanks and have a great week!

Brenda

Military Monday: Careers for Military Spouses (Part 2 of a 3 part series)

PORTABLE CAREERS

The way I see it, military spouse careers can go one of four ways. The military spouse (using the feminine pronoun as statistically more common) can:

1. Give up entirely on working/maintaining a career and stay at home.

2. Work at whatever job presents itself.

3. Accept that to maintain a career, she--as the military spouse--will have to stay in one place while her spouse moves and deploys without her.

and

4. Find a career that's portable.

Although I don't think that any of the above options is the wrong option, or a bad option, I DO think that the most fulfilling choice for me is number 4. I have tried option 1, 2 and 3 for varying lengths of time. For me, staying at home was great when the kids were small, when we were posted overseas and for the in-between periods on a new post or just before moving. But sooner or later, I need to get out and make some money to add to the family income. For my own sanity, and for the mental health of my family I need to do SOMETHING.

So. What careers are the best for an ever-moving family? What careers can move with you? What can a military spouse focus on when looking toward a career? I put this question out on social media and the results of my completely unofficial poll came back looking like this:

Twelve careers that work (in no particular order):

1. Nursing (RN, LPN, RPN...): Great option. Nurses are needed everywhere. Lots of opportunities in different fields (emergency, long term care, surgical...)

2. Dental Hygienist: Again, fairly easy to find work in this area

3. Dental Assistant: Ditto.

4.  Teacher: Often lose seniority, but I know many teachers who have been able to work their way back into the field with each move.

5. Home sales: Lots of options, although difficult to start a new customer base each time you move, it can be done. I have one military spouse friend in the UK who has built her Pampered Chef empire high enough that she gets a free trip almost every year.

6. Tradesperson: Construction, electrician, plumbing...although stereotypically male dominated professions, and military spouses are stereotypically female, don't knock these possibilities. These are good paying options, and are in demand just about everywhere.

7. Transcriptionist (medical/legal): These jobs can be done remotely via internet/phone.

8. Personal Support Worker (PSW): Always needed. Just check your classifieds and you'll see what I mean.

9. Graphic Design: Especially for the web.

10. Any other internet based work...Blogging, content writing, social media, editing, analyst...so many options here.

11. Physiotherapist/Physical Therapist: As a qualified physio, I can highly recommend this as a portable career. I have never wanted for a job. I actually wait until I'm good and ready before I hand out resumes at a new post, because there is always a position waiting to be filled.

12. Author: Again, I can vouch for this one...although the pay isn't great until you get a few published novels under your belt!

Thoughts? Did I miss any? Do you have a career that's portable that I haven't mentioned?

As you can see, the list is very skewed toward the medical side of things. Again, just check your classified ads to see how badly medical professionals are needed where you live! Sure the reset button is ever-present, with new seniority/pay/vacation with each move, but the jobs are usually there. And if you can get hooked up with a national health care company you may even be able to keep some of those benefits.

You'll also note, I haven't included the gate-keeper professions: Doctor, Dentist, Lawyer, Bank CEO. Please don't think that this is because I don't believe military spouses can't do these professions. They can. And if you want to be a doctor, you should go for it. It's just these are professions which often require a long educational and interpersonal commitment and are not easily portable as a result.

On that note, the next problem a military spouse that moves every two to three years would encounter is how can she get the education to live out one of these careers?

I'll be talking about careers, education, and military spouse assistance programs in my next Military Monday post. If you have anything to add, feel free to connect to me via the comments block below, or via my Facebook page. And don't forget to like my page while you are there!

Brenda

Military Monday: Careers for Military Spouses (Part 1)

Maintaining a Career

(Part one of a three part series)

After my last post, on Finding a Family Doctor, I got thinking about what other aspects of military spouse-hood are both unique and challenging. What parts of normal life-progression are different for spouses of military members?

For me, one of the top items on this list is Careers.

We move. A lot. Sometimes every three years, sometimes yearly, sometimes more than once in a year. Every once in a while, you might see more than that (I have several friends who managed to stay on the same base for more than ten years), but sooner or later the powers that be will pick your spouse for that brilliant posting and boom! Your professional life is on hold.

Pros and Cons

What makes career path maintenance difficult? What are the advantages of life in the military when it comes to employment matters? I put the subject out there on the interwebs, and got very strong and very thoughtful responses. Here's a compressed version of what spouses were saying:

Cons:

1. Most careers are not portable. It's very difficult to maintain an actual professional career path

with all of those moves. Moves tend to hit the 'reset button' for careers: putting you back at the bottom of the seniority list, resetting your vacation time to zero, and adding probationary periods. Often jobs are location specific, as well. Jennifer commented:  "I ran a very successful bar and grill taking home more money then my hubby until I moved here. Now I sadly work in a call center... I tried to open my own bar here, (but the) town council shot me down multiple times".

Along the same lines as this, some career paths (border security for instance) only work when the area you are posted to permit it, or the city is large enough to allow a market or a niche.

2. New post, new day care. Yeah. This is a whole post in itself, so I'll leave it at that. Finding a new day care = stress.

3. The job hunt process. Changes in employment rank high in the top 100 life stressors according to famous stress list makers Holmes and Rahe. An un-looked-for move involves an emotional and mental upheaval that can include:


*Leaving an old job (generally not by choice)
  *Searching for a new job: resume writing, searching the internet and a lot of unavailable time while dealing with all of the other time-consuming move items.
  *Walking into established social situations and trying to find your place.
  *Changing your schedule to meet your job requirements.
  *Rejection after rejection after rejection is hard to take. I have a wonderful friend who went from an Executive position to applying to more than a hundred jobs over several years before she found employment--and that at a significant downgrade in seniority and pay. It was a very difficult and very stressful time for her.

4. Licensing requirements change from province to province, state to state and country to country. As a physiotherapist, I know this issue quite well, and often have to weigh the benefits of having a license in the province/state/country against the effort and money required to obtain a license. This became painfully clear when returning from an out-of-country posting. I discovered my 'hours worked in the past five years' did not meet the provincial requirements. I had to write the national board exams to be re-licensed. One year, three thousand dollars and many, many stressful hours later I was able to work unsupervised again. Lets just say that the next time I let my physiotherapy license lapse will be when I retire...or my other career (writing) becomes self-sustaining.

5. Stereotypes. Hard to believe, but some employers are afraid to hire military spouses, knowing that they might move in the near future. What they miss.

6. ....And all of this happens while you are often dealing with your spouse away on training or deployment, mountains of boxes, finding a doctor, dentist, hair dresser, schools, cable company, grocery store, veterinarian and pharmacy...!

But enough moaning and groaning. There ARE some plusses to being a military spouse!

Pros:

1. Variety. Really, there's so many options for work, even within your own career path. One spouse commented: "I'm a RN and have never been without a job at each move. There's so much you can do. I've worked in small hospitals, large ones, on base. I've also taught." (Thanks Vanessa!) And another spouse (also in nursing) said: "Moving is an opportunity to try it all! Med/surg, community, OR, hospice...my resume is varied." (Thanks Laura!)

2. Opportunities for personal growth. I like to meet challenges head on. And what I personally have found is that each challenge I overcome becomes a huge surge forward on the personal satisfaction scale. Sure it's hard to find a new job, but that first pay-check feels GOOD.

3. Meeting new people. Making new friends every few years becomes a daunting task. And our

Me in the middle, with my two wonderful
(and pregnant) coworkers,
Jenny and Sara...so sad to have left that job!
We had such a great time there...

military spouse friends are often our first, and longest lasting friendships. But working allows a new outlet to meet people. It may be hard at first, as local non-military women and men tend to be skeptical of putting the effort into a new friendship, but these people are virtual mines of information about dentists, hair dressers and schools. And often these friends become lifelong connections.

4.  Military spouses are great employees. We have a lot of desirable attributes. We are hard working, we are resilient, we have great skill sets and we are often willing to put in the extra effort. If employers latch on to this, and recognize our value, they can become great assets in our career paths. And we have a lot of resources available to help us transition from place to place. Military Family Resource Centres in Canada have an entire section dedicated to Employment Assistance services. If you haven't already checked it out, you should. And there are many military spouses looking for others to network with,  and potentially hire. You can find one such group (The Military Family Small Business Association) here.

There are also many career counselling services and spouses-helping-spouses programs available for newly posted military spouses. Just a quick google search will give you a long list of available options. Resume writing, job searches, aptitude testing...government run and otherwise, there are many options available for you if you feel stuck.

4. And lastly, but certainly not least...That reset button can be a LIFE-SAVER. Wow, there have been times when I couldn't WAIT to move on to something new. Inter-personal conflicts, nasty work schedules, long commutes, stressful job situations...they all GO AWAY with a new move. Even without all of those things, a fresh new job and fresh new outlook can make a huge difference in your mental and emotional well being.

So what are your thoughts? Any other pros and/or cons of military spouse career-hood you'd like to share? Any suggestions for overcoming difficulties? Please click on the comment button and share your opinions!

Next week I'll be listing careers that withstand the military lifestyle. Tune in next Monday, or leave your suggestions on my Facebook Page! And while your at it...why not 'like' my page and get regular updates on Military Mondays and my new book, DEPENDENT, due out July 29th, 2014!


Brenda
 

Military Monday: Finding a Family Doctor

A few days ago I went to my first regular doctor's appointment (for myself not one of my kids) in
four years. As I sat in the waiting room afterwards, lab requisitions in hand, I got thinking about that fact. For me personally, this is not a big deal. The College of Family Practitioners recommends that a female of my age should have a periodic health exam every 3 years. And honestly, if I'm not sick, the LAST place I want to be is the doctor's office.

But what I realized as I sat there, was that (assuming everything is okay) it's quite likely that I will never see this doctor again. It took me almost two years after our posting date to find a doctor and get signed up with her practice, and if the lovely bloodwork comes back negative, I won't need to see her for another 3 years...at which point I'll be somewhere else.

In my sixteen years of marriage and eight postings I've had four 'real' family doctors. Real, meaning a doctor that I might have developed some sort of relationship with. The other postings I dealt with group practices (where the doctor on-call was the doctor you saw), urgent care clinics, or I did without. I HATE finding a new family physician. HATE it. It is probably the single-most stressful part of the posting process for me. Well, beside finding good schools for the kids. On this posting I called at least SIX clinics in our current small home town, and every single clinic administrator but one was rude and unhelpful, acting like I was wasting their time. Then there's the transferring of records (and fees which are sometimes covered, sometimes not) and the 'get-to-know-you' visit (two hours out of an already busy schedule to fill out reams of paperwork). And God help you if you discover that you don't actually like the doctor you've signed up with, because you won't be given the opportunity to find another one.

I know I'm not alone, so I put it out to some other military spouses to see if they had similar experiences with finding a family physician.  Some of the comments I got back:

* "...did not have a family doctor for 2 years"

* "I was without a doctor until I was being treated at hospital for a serious back injury and one of the doctors agreed to take me as his patient...The lesson I have learned is to take control, research and act quickly."

* "It wasn't until I was pregnant in early 2011 (three years later) that I finally was able to get a doctor because I had to call around and be like "dude, I can't just go to a walk-in clinic to have a baby, SOMEONE has to take me" and I STILL had to make a lot of calls before someone would take me."

* "Currently on our 6th posting, and only one of those I couldn't find a doctor. We were only there 2 years thankfully."

* "In Petawawa I waited 1 year and in Cold Lake I got (a doctor) right away."

* "We are now posted to New Brunswick and have to go on a waiting list, which can be at least a year wait. You do not get to choose your doctor, you are assigned one. There are no mediclinics in the town, you have to go to the hospital, which closes I believe at 5 and then you have to go into Fredericton after that. It is a big worry not to have medical service readily available."

* "I am relatively new to the military life (3 years), but I haven't had a family doctor since we left home at the beginning of the 3 years."

* "We got posted to Saint-Jean-Sur-Richelieu Quebec, it will be 5 years next month and we have 3 kids and we still do not have a family doctor..."


Two years? Three Years? Five years of waiting for a family physician? And this is just a fraction of the responses I got. I know that it's not JUST military spouses dealing with the shortage of family physicians, but military families often move every two or three years. That means each move is a new fight, a new waiting list, a new wait time for provincial health cards and a new physician-patient relationship. And let's be honest, it is NOT FUN having a routine female health exam by a complete stranger. Some families seem to have better luck than others, with no wait times at all, but the vast majority of spouses who responded had long waits and very little choice in which practice they ended up with.

Don't bother clicking...not accepting
new patients here!

Another spouse brought up a different side of things--namely trying to get medical care in your own language. French speaking Canadians in English provinces (and visa versa) have great difficulty even communicating with their doctors. One spouse commented, "I have to take someone with me to translate the personal information that is discussed, and depending on the appointment or the seriousness of it, they would even have to come into the room with me for the tests." Military spouses do not get to choose where they live. But, like every Canadian, they should have the option to receive health care services in both/either of the two official languages.

Thankfully, the Canadian Forces are taking baby steps to make health care more accessible to military families and have opened several CF family medical clinics on bases like 14 Wing Greenwood to facilitate the process. Unfortunately some of these base clinics have been forced to close, due to lack of family practitioners to staff them.

Another step in the right direction, in Ontario provincially insured services now have the wait time waived for CF family members.

Better, but still a big problem.

An American friend of mine commented, "I'm American, a military spouse for 15 years now...never had an issue finding a doctor who would accept our family. We've moved 15 times or so. The only time we avoided the potential to not have a Dr. was when we did the exchange tour to Nova Scotia. We lucked out (or "in" as Canadians say!) and the same Dr. who was seeing the family we were to replace took us on as we were the same number of people in our family. I always felt guilty because I knew many of our neighbors (Canadian military families) who didn't have one."

Wow. She felt guilty for actually having a family physician? You know there is a problem when...

Anyway...as for me, my medical appointment last week was quick and relatively painless, and I left minus 3 vials of blood and with three extra specialist referrals in my hands. I was pretty lucky. I bought myself a treat, had a coffee and came home. Who knows where and when my next family physician visit will happen? Will I even see this doctor again? Or will it be the same, tedious search for a new doctor in a different town? Province? Country?

I have no idea.

There's no life like it. 

What about you? Have you ever had to find a new physician as a result of a move?

Brenda