Book Release! All the Way Home

Adult romance BY KIM MILLS

So a while back (five years ago? Maybe more?) I started following a sassy Canadian soldier's wife (@reccewife) on Twitter. She shot from the hip, and told it like it was, and I liked her style. Her resolution to treat people to dinner while her husband was deployed was intriguing. And her blog posts were poignant and real.

Fast forward a few years, and Kim and I have become virtual friends through several other platforms, including a group of Canadian military bloggers on Facebook. She recently MC'd a national event to mark the 25th Anniversary of Canadian Military Family Services. And her name has been mentioned more than once since I arrived in the US--she had spoken the year before to Canadian military families here in the US National Capitol region.

While managing a busy family, a well-visited blog, speaking engagements and a meaningful life as a military spouse, Kim has written a novel--a Canadian military romance novel, to be exact. And I'm so happy to be able to support her as she releases it to the public today. In her words:

"I wrote this book because I wanted to read a story about average Canadian combat soldiers and the people who loved them during the war in Afghanistan.

I’m hoping that maybe there’s a few others out there who were looking for stories like that, too." 

Kim's bio:

Kim Mills intended to grow up to be a psychologist with a loft apartment and 3 cats. Instead she dropped out of college and married a teenage soldier and had babies. No one ever asks her to speak on career day.

After working and volunteering in Social Services for years, Kim began writing in 2011 on what is now the Canadian military family blog She is Fierce. Somehow, that led her here. No one is more surprised than she is.

You can find Kim with the childhood sweetheart she's been married to for over 15 years, along with her 3 kids and their border collie Trooper, making home wherever the army sends them.

ALL THE WAY HOME is book one of a series of books (The Way Home Series), and today is it's Book Birthday! 

More about the book (from Amazon):

Juliette has been walking through life broken and hurting for years, always relying on her friend Tavish to be there for her when she needs him. As soon as he met her, Tavish knew he would do anything for her, that is, until he enlists in the infantry and leaves town, and possibly Juliette, for good.
Soon the events of 9/11 change everything, and an upcoming deployment to Afghanistan prompts him to reconnect with Juliette 5 years later. Despite the time apart she soon finds herself leaning on him again as their reunion leads to something much more. That’s when tragedy strikes during his deployment, and Tavish comes home shattered. Is Juliette strong enough to offer him the support he has always given her? Will it be enough for both of them to find their way home?

All The Way Home is a Canadian-based military love story, the first in the Way Home series but is a stand-alone with it's own HEA. 

This book is intended for audiences 18+. For those dealing with combat related PTSD, some scenes may be triggering. 


You can purchase ALL THE WAY HOME on Amazon. And find out more about Kim on her blog: She is Fierce which is well worth a read.

Congratulations Kim!

Brenda

7 Reasons Why Military Wives are Stressed Out All of the Time (But you may not know it)

I've haven't posted much on my Military Monday blogs over the past few weeks, not for lack of things to post about, but because I had SO MANY things I wanted to post about, and didn't know where to start. I'll admit, I hadn't planned a post for today. Today is 'Family Day' in British Columbia. A provincial holiday designed to encourage family together time. A great initiative, even when together time means posting on your blog while your teens snore happily from their beds at 9 a.m..

This weekend I read two blog posts. The first one, posted by a friend of mine who is currently on a duty station in the United Kingdom, entitled The Military Family Vaccination Problem. You can read it here on Canadian Army Wife's blog. It struck a cord with me, having dealt with this very problem a few weeks ago, so much so that I wrote a long, drawn out comment. Incidentally, the same blog was reposted this morning on the Canadian Medical Association's Blog which you can find here.

The second blog was by Dr. Psych Mom on Huffington Post's blog, entitled: 7 Reasons Your Wife is Stressed Out All The Time. It can be found here.

Both blogs highlighted real problems. One was more military-centric, the other more general. But they got me thinking. I have many, many friends who are military wives who somehow manage to hold down a job, raise healthy, happy children, and meet the 'expectations' of being a military wife with panache. I'd even like to include myself in this group. These ladies take the term Supermom to a new level.

What you don't see, though, is the exhaustion beneath the facade. Why? Because even though they might be stressed out, they have learned to put on a brave face. Their problems are minimal, because hey, their husbands job is so much more stressful than anything they could ever do.

1. Military Wives are Judged Differently Than Other Wives.

This may sound picky, but it's the truth. How many times have I heard, 'But you must be used to it by now'. Or: 'You should have known what you were getting yourself into when you married him'. The thing is, there is nothing you could do to prepare yourself for three days of barfing kids in a snowstorm a thousand miles from your family while your husband is under fire in Afghanistan. Nothing. But it happens.

2. Women Need More Sleep Than Men.

I love that Dr. Rodman included this in her blog, and I'm reposting it here, because in the military lifestyle, the sleep thing is even more complicated. There is no way a military wife would suggest her hubby gets up to deal with the crying baby when she knows he's going to be training with live ammunition the next day. Or flying a multi-million dollar aircraft. Or searching in broiling ocean waters for a lost fisherman. And when hubby is deployed, she's on her own...often for months at a time. If she doesn't get up to soothe the crying baby, no one will. And the toddler gets up at 5 a.m....

3. Help Is Often Far Away.

The closest I have lived to my mother (i.e. the go-to person for mothering matters) is 600 km away. Right now she is an entire country away. More than 3000 km away. And my bestest friend (other than my husband) is almost the same distance. Add time zone differences and busy lifestyles, and I'm lucky if I speak with either of them once a week. That's pretty typical for military wives. And if their most trusted friends are not nearby, they won't ask for help.

4. The Help That's Close is Inaccessible.

This one is tricky. The military is wonderful for providing help for military spouses. We have many, many resources available to us. Social workers, support groups, discussion panels, gym facilities, casual childcare... the list goes on. Especially in Canada, the Military Family Resource Centres (MFRCs) are a huge help in navigating the lifestyle we have chosen to lead. The problem is not lack of resources. The problem is accessing them.

Occasionally getting to the resource, i.e. basic geography, is the issue. Take Ottawa for example. The city is vast. The MFRC is wonderful. But for most wives, the actual programmes are at least a 45 min drive to access.

The biggest problem with accessing help, though, is the stigma associated with it. Military wives, like their husbands, do not want to be seen as weak. They want to be supermom. They want to look like they've got it together. So walking into an MFRC to access a support group for deployed spouses is the last thing they want to do. Nor do they want to tell hubby (who is getting shot at on a regular basis) that they need help.

It's a problem with no ready solution. The MFRCs continue to search for one, though, and for that they should be applauded.

5. Military Wives Deal With Many Life Stressors At Once.

Moving itself is a stressor. Move to a new country, new job, new doctors and new schools with a new rental agreement, an unsold previous home, two toddlers and a newborn? That's a lot of stressors. Add a husband that leaves three days later for a 1.5 month 'indoctrination course'? Yeah. And don't say that would never happen, because I've done it.

Military wives deal with this stuff every one to four years, Sometimes less. Moving is hugely stressful, and there are always issues. Always problems. And mom often takes the brunt of it. The vaccination issues that Canadian Army Wife illustrated are just the tip of the iceberg. Finding a new family doctor (read about it here) is one of my biggest headaches. Same with dealing with new schools and trying to explain an educational issue for the umpteenth time to a new teacher. It's hard to explain how stressful that is to hubby, because as Dr. Rodman says, women are judged differently than men. A dad who walks into the school with a child with learning difficulties is much more likely to be listened to. Especially if he's still wearing his uniform.

Add PTSD into the equation, and life gets even more complicated. Great articles on the PTSD struggle can be found here and here.

6. Tradition Is A Harsh Taskmaster.

Oh boy. Tradition. The unwritten code of etiquette that dictates the everyday life a military family. Rank, duty, honour, expectation. All difficult to manoeuvre and all without a handbook. And each post has it's own micro-culture that you have to figure out upon arrival. Talk about stress. And a lot of military wives have no previous military experience, so learning how to manoeuvre life on base is like learning a completely new culture. With no course to explain it.

7. Guilt.

Guilt is a four letter word masquerading as a five.

In most military families, the husband is the breadwinner. His job--a soldier/airman/marine/sailor--dictates where the family lives, when he works, how long he works and what he does. The military 'owns' him, so to speak.

Most military wives get it. They don't want to complain. They understand that his job is hard. They get that they have to move...again. They understand that hubby has to be deployed...again. But they have to reconcile that understanding with the complex difficulties of their life. They wouldn't dream of asking for help because they see that as weakness. They feel their problems are minuscule compared to hubby's 24-hour-a-day job in the desert. He needs to focus on staying safe. He needs to know that everything's okay at home--his wife is managing, his kids are alright, the bills are being paid and the household is just fine--so that he can concentrate on his dangerous job. So they feel guilty that they even think about being stressed, which only makes them more stressed. And then they feel guilty that they themselves are stressed when hubby's job is just so much more stressful.

And do they talk about it? No.


As I mentioned above, the good news is that there are resources available. And military leaders are aware of these stressors and are trying to help. Talking about stressors for military wives is the first step. Are you a military spouse? What stresses you out? How do you deal with stress? Do you talk about stressors with your husband or do you go elsewhere? What do you find helps?

I'd love to hear below.

Brenda

Military Monday: Military Kids

A different kind of helicopter parenting...8 Wing CFB Trenton 2010

 

 

There has been a lot of discussion on the internet lately about the current generation of kids. How this generation, the product of so-called 'helicopter parents' (see this article and others like it), are incapable of caring for themselves. How they need mommy and daddy to help them do everything, from folding their laundry, to helping them pass university courses.
 

As an answer to this...I give you the military child.

I have to say, I scoffed at these helicopter parents articles. Yeah, there's a few parents I've met in my years as a mom that would qualify, but the vast majority don't and won't. I'm sure it's partly because it would drive me crazy to hang out with parents like this. My friends kids' have chores. They participate in family discussions. They work for their allowances. If they get a failing grade, they lose privileges.

Part of the reason I know few qualifying helicopter parents is because, by necessity and opportunity, most (but certainly not all) of my close friends are part of military families.

So what makes military kids different?

1) Children in military families learn quickly that things don't always turn out the way they want. Often their first bed is a car seat, and they are on the road to a new home before they've even comprehended their old one. They say goodbye to their friends frequently. They don't get to choose

Dad just before
departure on deployment

their homes or their schools. The service branch their parent belongs to chooses those things, and chooses when they will change.

2) Military kids get big responsibilities on their shoulders early in life. I remember my three year old 'reading' to her newborn sister so that I could put her two year old brother down for his nap. Only a few feet away from me, but she understood that it was her responsibility, and she accepted that. When Dad is away a lot, someone has to step up to help out with other chores too, like lawn-mowing, dishes, taking out the garbage. As one military spouse says, "(Our) children are often in the position of learning to cope with change, they learn to make the best of difficult circumstances, and above all they learn the necessity of sacrifice for a greater good. Children in military families learn independence through adversity; being asked to contribute their skills and talents to the function of the family unit, to accommodate the absent family member."

3) Military kids understand the realities of military life. They hear the news. They know their parent is in danger. They endure disappointment when Dad isn't there to see them perform, to praise report cards, to compete in sports. They cry. They are scared. And they keep going. They get through it.

One of my good friends recently said in a Thanksgiving oriented Facebook post: "Our girls have amazed me with their ability to keep going, not moping around, not waiting for things to happen to them, but going out and making life happen, living it to its fullest. I don't know if I would've been as strong at my age."

4) Military kids have great role models. Parents and other families around them that understand the value of hard work. Immediate role models that don't always want to do what they have to...but they do it anyway.

Now mind you, not every military family encourages their kids to get out there, make mistakes and keep working until they succeed. Some parents take their fear of their spouse's job and reflect it backwards. Their family environment, something they can control, becomes the outlet for something they can't control, ie) their spouse's environment. PTSD can play a big role in over-protective military family parenting (a post for another time...).

But the majority of military kids that I've met in my 25+ years associated with the military are strong, resilient, capable, and hard-working. They're kids that are able to deal with whatever life throws at them...because, well, life has thrown a lot at them already. Their experiences help them prepare for life without mom and dad.

What are your thoughts? Do you know strong, resilient military kids? Or perhaps you know some helicopter parents?  Let me know your experiences in the comments below!

Til next time,

Brenda.

Military Monday: Separation and Reunion (Kathy Gaudet)

I'd like to welcome a very special person to the blog today: my sister, Kathy (Corey) Gaudet. Kathy has a special perspective to bring to the blog. She spent 9 years as a medic in the military, met her first husband (who also wore the uniform) there, and went through the pain and dark days of a difficult divorce. She persevered, reconnected with Bob, an old military friend, and they married a few years later.

Kathy and Bob know first hand the challenges of military family life, and over the past few years they have dealt with deployments and other separations, moves, retirement and the nasty echoes of post traumatic stress disorder.

Kathy has graciously offered to discuss a few topics with us over the next few months, and today she's talking about separation, and the problems that result from long periods of living apart. I'll let her tell it her way...

My sister! Kathy (Corey) Gaudet

The Hard Stuff (by Kathy Gaudet)

No one every said it would be easy being a military wife and it wasn’t.  I understood that my husband would be away frequently, but I never anticipated raising 3 kids on my own for a majority of the time.  I know that may military wives have similar stories, but this is mine.

For me, there was always a distancing period prior to my husband leaving for any tasking, course, or deployment. It wasn’t intentional, but instinctual. I started planning what I had to do and prepared myself for the task ahead.  I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my best friend, but there would be discussions and arguments about how things should work while he was away.  Planning if and when he would be coming home.  When leaving for a deployment, there was always fear that he would not return....

While he was away, it always took about a week for things to start running smoothly.  I became Mom and Dad.  We generally did not get posted close to family, so we were on our own.  I hope that I could rely on my friends if anything happened that put me out of commission for a few days.  I made sure there was a list of emergency phone numbers for family by the phone.

I learned to wait patiently by the phone in hopes of hearing my husband’s voice, even if only for a few short minutes.  I counted the days on a calendar down to the minute when I would see him again.  I prayed daily for his safety and that I wouldn’t have a Padre show up on my door step, which is never good.  Many nights I would cry myself to sleep, just wanting it all to be over.

Reunions were bittersweet.  With my husband being constantly away, there were the constant transition periods--the days when he did make it home on the weekends after being away.  There was always tension when he got home and some days you could cut the air with a knife. Should he be helping more, because I was so tired of doing everything?  While he was away, I did everything from making sure the kids got to school, working, my schooling, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, transporting kids to activities, paying bills, mowing the lawn, repairing the toilet, and so on. 

I was so used to running everything my way, I would become angry when he didn't do it the way I did.  I would fold and put laundry away in a certain spot, when he folded clothes, nothing fit in the drawer the way it normally did.  Not putting his dishes in the dishwasher just about drove me crazy, it meant more work for me.  It may sound trivial to get mad about that, but what was wrong with the way I was doing it? I don’t want another person to pick up after! 

Kathy and her husband, Bob Gaudet

When disciplining the children, I would ground them and stick to the punishment.  When dad got home, the kids always asked him if they could go out, they new he would generally say “Yes.”  He didn’t know they were grounded or had restrictions for reasons, because we hadn’t spoken about it due to time restraints. Or he wanted to be the good-time dad because he was leaving again in a few days and wanted to see the kids happy.

It was difficult for the kids, not knowing how to deal with discipline from two parents and at times they would play us against each other.  I would be lenient in some areas, as I just didn’t have the time or energy to fight with the kids over minor things.  I loved it when the kids were invited over somewhere for a night.   I could also be very strict, and I worried more than the average mom about their safety. I didn’t need more things to occupy my mind. 

As for my husband, he wanted to have some rest and relaxation, stay at home doing nothing. I wanted to get out and go do things--things normal couples do, like dress up, going out for dinner, and just have some adult time.   While living apart due to work, my husband stayed in hotels or under canvas (in tents).  He would eat military food or meals from restaurants almost every night.  When he came home he wanted a home-cooked meal, wanted to sit in his chair, have a beverage, and spend time with his family.

Hope this gives you a small glimpse into what it is like for a military mom.

 

Thank you, Kathy! Living apart is never easy, and the weeks after military spouses return from a deployment or other military duty are often incredibly stressful. Thank you for your honest account of how difficult it can be. I'm sure many of my readers can relate.

 

 

Blog Tour Review: The Samaritan's Pistol

(And A GIVEAWAY!)

Congrats to Eric Bishop on his DEBUT, The Samaritan's Pistol! A Rocky Mountain Thriller published by Jolly Fish Press!

 

I’d like to start by saying I knew NOTHING about this book before opening it to the first page. I almost suggested Eric Bishop visit my blog and do a guest post, but...as I was one of the privileged few to receive an ARC of The Samaritan's Pistol I thought why not? And offered to do a review. The cover suggests some sort of crime novel, and I had seen hints that it had a flavour of a Western. I’m not a big fan of crime novels, and I don’t think I’ve ever read a Western, so I wasn’t all jump up-and-down-y to read it.

But you gotta live a little. Westerns have horses, and I’m a horsey person, so I thought I\d give it a try.

Enter Jim, the ex-military, PTSD-suffering, non-Mormon Wyoming cowboy riding a horse named Sam. What’s not to love about a modern day cowboy just trying to be nice and keep everybody happy? Especially when he’s a sharp-shooter and has a great horse and a brilliant dog? Jim is just a good guy in a bad situation, and he knows how to make it all better again.

The Bad Stuff:  

Not a lot bad to say. I liked The Samaritan’s Pistol right away, and read it pretty-much straight through. There were a few times where I got a bit lost in the dialogue, maybe because I’ve been an East-Coast Canadian pretty much all my life. Sometimes I laughed out loud, and sometimes I just didn’t get it.  Eric skirts around topics that were new to me, like a non-Mormon cowboy picking at Mormon community life. Not sure how I feel about this. Awkward? Uncomfortable? I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to take Jim’s religious leanings, or lack there of. Especially when the bad-guy body count starts to pile up.

The Good Stuff: *spoiler alert*

There are many, many moments in the story I completely related to. I loved it when Duke (the dog) found himself a nice piece of horse hoof to chew on. How many times have I seen my own dog steal away with the same thing after the farrier drove away? And when Brody the farm hand turns all bad-a** and sets up a few bear traps for the bad guys, I wanted to cheer.  Go Brody! Eric really brings the feel of a Western ranch to life. The hard work, the friendly neighbours, the sounds and smells, the ‘we take care of our own’ mentality. And the combination of cowboy, gangster, ex-military stress and religious turmoil make for a solid read.

Although not my usual reading fare, I’d give The Samaritan’s Pistol two thumbs up! Not sure if Mr Bishop has converted me to Westerns but this is a great debut.  Looking forward to seeing what’s next from Eric Bishop!

The Samaritan’s Pistol is available from Amazon, B&N and Goodreads. You can find Eric Bishop on Facebook, Twitter and his Website.  

Also, join in on the draw to have a chance at winning a $15 Amazon Gift Card! Scroll down and see the box at the bottom of the posts!