Throwback Thursday: Chin High and Pushing Through.

The following is cut and pasted from my older blog (This Mom is Overdunne), originally posted five years ago in July of 2010. At the time my hubby was deployed, and I was feeling...well...hard done by. A lot has happened since then,(two moves, many more challenges and successes...) and we've weathered the storms to get to where we are now. 

I have many friends who are in the various stages of deployment, and I wish them all the best as they hold their chins high and push through the difficult days. 

I hope they know that they are loved. 

I hope they know that it will pass. 

And I hope they know how very, very important they are.


Originally posted HERE on July 18, 2010:

Quarrels, Quinte Cups, Conversation Killers (and Queries)

It's been a month and a half that I've been parenting on my own, thanks to the Canadian Armed Forces. The kids and I have gotten into a routine. We've pulled one of the chairs away from the table, so it doesn't seem so empty without dad (pictured, left) there. I work my shortened work week, I taxi the kids to their activities, and I try (unsuccessfully) to keep the house from looking like a complete pig stye. I feed them at least one vegetable a day. We eat out more than once a week. Pretty normal, actually.

According to my handy-dandy Family Deployment Handbook (FDH), I'm right on schedule. I'm in the 'Recovery and Stabilization Phase'. Meaning...I'm not sick? And I'm not so unstable? That the old boat ain't so tipsy? True, the almost-in-labour anxiety has calmed down, and I spend less time sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor sobbing. But I still hate it. Just because I'm not running down our country road screaming obscenities and pulling my hair out doesn't mean I don't think about it. 

The FDH states that by week 6 I should be experiencing "Feelings of increased confidence, independence, competence, freedom, pride, isolation, anxiety and depression". How can you be confident and still be depressed? How can you feel competent and independent, yet have anxiety? Living in deployment-land is full of nasty contradictions. I'm moodier than a PMSing teen deprived of sleep and coffee. One thing's for sure...if Momma's grumpy, everyone's grumpy. I try to be patient. But patience has never been my forte. So the kids are less patient with each other...and then the fights start. I have adopted the 'Mom's having a time out' technique. Rather than blow up at them for blowing up at each other, I lock myself in my bedroom and count to 1000 (10 just doesn't cut it). It works...more or less. The kids go 'Huh?' and stop quarrelling. And I get a precious moment or two by myself.

It bugs me that the little FDH book is so accurate, though. I hate to be pegged. But it's right. Independent? My husband (and parents, and siblings...)will tell you that he didn't have to go away for me to be independent. And now that he's gone, independence has hit full force. Whatever you do, DON'T suggest I can't do something. I'm like a kid with a dare. Two weekends ago the girls were at their first away horse show (One of the Quinte Cup Series)of the season. Two ponies, two girls, my son, saddles, bridles, helmets, show outfits, water, a sun shelter, chairs, food, diabetic supplies (for my youngest) and coffee, all had to be packed into boxes, trucks and trailers for a day long show in the heat. We got up at 4 a.m. to leave. And it went...okay. We got there, the girls showed, and we came home. I did it, with help from others, of course, but I did it. So there, ha ha. Independent me. 

And as to coversation killers... I read a post on Facebook this week that just about hit the nose on the head. I can't find it now (of course) and can't find the author, so forgive me if you wrote it. (And let me know if you did so I can give you credit) but it was along the lines of "14 things to NOT say to a spouse of a deployed soldier". I have great friends, and they generally know how it is with me. But I'd like to paraphrase a few of the points:

1. "I know how you feel." You don't. Heck, I don't even know how I feel most of the time. If your husband has NOT gone away for 6 months and flown in and out of Afghanistan at least once during that time, you don't know how I feel. If you haven't sat beside your diabetic daughter at 3 in the morning praying her sugars come down, you don't know how I feel. Just like I don't know how you're getting through whatever challenge you have in your life right now. My FDH tells me I feel isolated. Darn right. I'm alone in my experiences. I don't generally want to talk about it with anyone, because it kills the conversation dead. 

2. "It could be worse, he could be in..." Gee, thanks. Make me feel even worse than I already feel. Sure, he could be somewhere worse. I'm sure there are a million things that could make my current situation even more stressful. Do I want to think about them right now? NO.

3. "Well at least the kids are older (not babies)" Have you ever had a pre-pubescent daughter? Not fun. Tears at least twice a day. And my kids are old enough to understand where their dad is. They get it. It's on the news every day. Someone killed, someone bombed, funding cuts...I try to turn off the news, and thankfully hubby is not in Afghanistan all of the time, but they hear it. And they think about it. Babies don't. 

I could go on and on, but the negative vibes are making me grumpy, so I'd like to add a change of tone. I want to give you a few things I'd LIKE to hear. Music to the deployed spouse's ear, a balm for my tired soul. 

1. "Here's a gift certificate to the spa. I'll stay at your house and watch your kids." I don't have time to look after myself these days, what with summer (ie kids are home), work and taxiing. I'd love to have a moment alone. And if my kids are home, I have less to worry about than if you took them to...Wonderland or anywhere else far away and less safe. I can't relax if I think there's some danger. And with a diabetic daughter, keeping my diabetes-educated kids together, and keeping them at home means easy access to whatever food, medicine, or equipment she needs. If you offer something like this to a military spouse, though...make sure you follow through. There is nothing worse than looking at a gift certificate on the fridge for six months straight. And I can guarantee they won't ask you about it.

2. "Let me pick up the milk, pizza...(insert food item here)" I could really use help with lunch/supper now and then. I love to cook, but hate to decide WHAT to cook. We live 10 minutes away from even a corner store, so dinner = preplanning. The less I have to do, the better.

3. "You look great." "You're doing great." "You're a super mom." "You're husband is so lucky to have you." "Insert compliment here." What I'm doing is hard. My main cheerleader is gone. My kids complain. A little bit of heartfelt flattery goes a long way. 

And here's one for just me...

4. "I loved your query...please send me your full manuscript!" Sorry, had to say it. My biggest project for the week ahead is to FINALLY send off a couple of queries to agents in hope that one of them will support my book. A wholelotta anxiety over that one, I can tell you! I've spent over a year editing and coddling it since my last misguided attempts(yup, I did EVERYTHING wrong with those first queries). It's time to let go again, and see what happens. Query number one went out today. Wish me luck.

Brenda

Military Monday: Military Wives Choirs

Happy New Year!

The presents are open, the parties are over and the kids are back to school. Let me just say that you have not seen holiday celebration insanity until you've been closely associated with a military base! It was an amazing season, with concerts and parties and dinners and fun, but I'm so very glad to be getting back into a routine--and back to writing, blogging and a bit of normalcy.

Although I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions, I am a huge fan of making goals and seeing the fruits of my hard work not only ripen but multiply...and one of those goals is about to be realized! It's a goal that has nothing to do with writing, and everything to do with being a military spouse.

After several meetings and emails and phone calls, much research and a whole lot of luck, this week will mark the inaugural meeting of the Canadian Military Wives Choir Comox! If all goes well, this amazing organization will be setting up shop on my local base, and I cannot wait to be a part of it.

Have you heard of the Military Wives Choir movement? It started just 5 years ago in 2010 when a group of wives (yes, just women) in the UK got together to sing and support one another while their husbands were deployed--a chance to learn, grow and get away from the daily stress of being on their own. The choir grew rapidly with the support of Gareth Malone as their choirmaster, and in  2011 they released their first single Wherever You Are, which shot to number one on the UK charts. There are now more than 80 choirs around the UK and the world.

The first Canadian Military Wives Choir started in 2013 in Ottawa, and the Comox choir will spread the movement to the west coast of Canada. From humble beginnings great things are accomplished. A chorister since my elementary school days, I've wanted to be a part of a choir like this since I saw the Wherever You Are video way back in 2011. So excited to sing with the wonderful people who support those in uniform--Military Wives!

Have you set a New Year's goal? Feel free to share it below!

Brenda

Military Monday: The Changing Nature of Time

Of course we all know that time is fluid, sometimes speeding up, sometimes slowing down. And no where is this more true than in a military family.

Imagine looking ahead to a deployment. Be it six months, nine months, a year... even two weeks. The time between now and when your spouse leaves is like a speeding freight train coming right at you. The closer it gets, the faster it seems to go, until it smacks you right in the face and then keeps going, running over you and leaving you stunned and a tiny bit lost.

Yet after they leave, time stretches out. Long, trudgy days of the same routine over and over again with no variety. Stress. No news. No bright lights in the near future to focus on. Their few phone calls? Like a single breath--in, out and it's over. Two weeks of leave in the middle? A huge wait for a heart beat of time.

Time expands and contracts in weird ways for military families. Sometimes there's not enough time. Some time there's too much.

Take my family for example. We're still waiting for that lovely piece of paper (or in today's day and age an email) that says: You're Posted! Get Going! It seems like we've been waiting forever for that little tidbit. While you're waiting you can't do anything, just watch those beautifully perfect homes on MLS appear and disappear like smoke.

But when it comes? Chaos. Five million things need to be done, all at once, that can't be done without the official OK. (see my Posting Phases posts...) Houses cleaned and dejunked and listed, house hunting trips booked, schools notified, plans made, and time becomes an unstoppable wave that builds and builds until it crashes down and you are driving away from three years of friendships and home-building into a world of unknowns and adventure.


Call me strange, but I actually like the changing nature of time. It's something I can count on--even if that's a bit of an oxymoron. It's consistently changing. One of the expecteds in my life. Those long days of waiting are great for just...existing. Reading a book, finding something fun to do with the kids, letting the housework slide and watching a movie. Sometimes it takes work to enjoy the slow-downs. Sometimes it's really hard to see the positives when there are still three months of single parenting ahead. But what choice do we have? Time keeps passing. I use slow days to recharge my batteries.

And the speedy days? Those are fun in a whole different way. Riding the wave is like careening down a ski-hill at top speed, reacting to the trees as they pop up in front of you. It's scary and exciting and sometimes it's really hard to put on the brakes on enjoy the moment. Too many things to do and too little time to do them in means you have to prioritize. Breathe. Look those little memories in your brain to take them out when things slow down again.

Because it's guaranteed that the minute you get comfortable with the speed of time it will change again. 

In the words of the old adage...This too shall pass. So why not enjoy it before it does?


Brenda

Merry Christmas!

The hustle and bustle is almost over and the countdown is on for the big event! With computer issues, day job issues and a full calendar of family Christmas concerts and parties, I've been MIA for the past few weeks, but I'm back in action (with my Christmas gift to me, my new MacBook Pro) and ready for 2014…Lots of exciting things to come!

I'd like to wish you and your family the happiest of Christmas-es if you celebrate Christmas, and if not, I wish you a wonderful holiday season! To those families who are separated this Christmas as a result of deployments, courses, postings or other circumstances, hang in there! I'm sending out a special Christmas wish for you. 

Thank you so much for all of your love, support and friendship over the past year. I have met so many amazing people on my journey, and I'm looking forward to connecting with many more in the days ahead.

Happy Christmas, and much merriness for the New Year!

Brenda

Military Monday: Separation and Reunion (Kathy Gaudet)

I'd like to welcome a very special person to the blog today: my sister, Kathy (Corey) Gaudet. Kathy has a special perspective to bring to the blog. She spent 9 years as a medic in the military, met her first husband (who also wore the uniform) there, and went through the pain and dark days of a difficult divorce. She persevered, reconnected with Bob, an old military friend, and they married a few years later.

Kathy and Bob know first hand the challenges of military family life, and over the past few years they have dealt with deployments and other separations, moves, retirement and the nasty echoes of post traumatic stress disorder.

Kathy has graciously offered to discuss a few topics with us over the next few months, and today she's talking about separation, and the problems that result from long periods of living apart. I'll let her tell it her way...

My sister! Kathy (Corey) Gaudet

The Hard Stuff (by Kathy Gaudet)

No one every said it would be easy being a military wife and it wasn’t.  I understood that my husband would be away frequently, but I never anticipated raising 3 kids on my own for a majority of the time.  I know that may military wives have similar stories, but this is mine.

For me, there was always a distancing period prior to my husband leaving for any tasking, course, or deployment. It wasn’t intentional, but instinctual. I started planning what I had to do and prepared myself for the task ahead.  I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my best friend, but there would be discussions and arguments about how things should work while he was away.  Planning if and when he would be coming home.  When leaving for a deployment, there was always fear that he would not return....

While he was away, it always took about a week for things to start running smoothly.  I became Mom and Dad.  We generally did not get posted close to family, so we were on our own.  I hope that I could rely on my friends if anything happened that put me out of commission for a few days.  I made sure there was a list of emergency phone numbers for family by the phone.

I learned to wait patiently by the phone in hopes of hearing my husband’s voice, even if only for a few short minutes.  I counted the days on a calendar down to the minute when I would see him again.  I prayed daily for his safety and that I wouldn’t have a Padre show up on my door step, which is never good.  Many nights I would cry myself to sleep, just wanting it all to be over.

Reunions were bittersweet.  With my husband being constantly away, there were the constant transition periods--the days when he did make it home on the weekends after being away.  There was always tension when he got home and some days you could cut the air with a knife. Should he be helping more, because I was so tired of doing everything?  While he was away, I did everything from making sure the kids got to school, working, my schooling, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, transporting kids to activities, paying bills, mowing the lawn, repairing the toilet, and so on. 

I was so used to running everything my way, I would become angry when he didn't do it the way I did.  I would fold and put laundry away in a certain spot, when he folded clothes, nothing fit in the drawer the way it normally did.  Not putting his dishes in the dishwasher just about drove me crazy, it meant more work for me.  It may sound trivial to get mad about that, but what was wrong with the way I was doing it? I don’t want another person to pick up after! 

Kathy and her husband, Bob Gaudet

When disciplining the children, I would ground them and stick to the punishment.  When dad got home, the kids always asked him if they could go out, they new he would generally say “Yes.”  He didn’t know they were grounded or had restrictions for reasons, because we hadn’t spoken about it due to time restraints. Or he wanted to be the good-time dad because he was leaving again in a few days and wanted to see the kids happy.

It was difficult for the kids, not knowing how to deal with discipline from two parents and at times they would play us against each other.  I would be lenient in some areas, as I just didn’t have the time or energy to fight with the kids over minor things.  I loved it when the kids were invited over somewhere for a night.   I could also be very strict, and I worried more than the average mom about their safety. I didn’t need more things to occupy my mind. 

As for my husband, he wanted to have some rest and relaxation, stay at home doing nothing. I wanted to get out and go do things--things normal couples do, like dress up, going out for dinner, and just have some adult time.   While living apart due to work, my husband stayed in hotels or under canvas (in tents).  He would eat military food or meals from restaurants almost every night.  When he came home he wanted a home-cooked meal, wanted to sit in his chair, have a beverage, and spend time with his family.

Hope this gives you a small glimpse into what it is like for a military mom.

 

Thank you, Kathy! Living apart is never easy, and the weeks after military spouses return from a deployment or other military duty are often incredibly stressful. Thank you for your honest account of how difficult it can be. I'm sure many of my readers can relate.

 

 

Reunion on Ellen

I was playing around on YouTube this morning, and I found this video.

Firstly, I love Ellen DeGeneres. She's upbeat, she's funny, she's generous and best of all--you know she's just a good person. She stands up for her beliefs and she's willing to go to bat for others that can't. And now she's going to host the Oscars again.

Anyway, when I saw the title of this video pop up, I couldn't help but watch it. If you can watch this without crying you are a stronger person than I am...

Did you bawl?

What I love about this story isn't the fact that she was able to bring them together on her show. It isn't the honeymoon trip or the gift of money. What I love about this video is that one of the first things Jessica's hubby did was praise his wife for how amazing she was. How he was able to do what he was doing because he knew that she was home, taking care of things.

Because that's what military spouses do.

Brenda