Throwback Thursday: Chin High and Pushing Through.

The following is cut and pasted from my older blog (This Mom is Overdunne), originally posted five years ago in July of 2010. At the time my hubby was deployed, and I was feeling...well...hard done by. A lot has happened since then,(two moves, many more challenges and successes...) and we've weathered the storms to get to where we are now. 

I have many friends who are in the various stages of deployment, and I wish them all the best as they hold their chins high and push through the difficult days. 

I hope they know that they are loved. 

I hope they know that it will pass. 

And I hope they know how very, very important they are.


Originally posted HERE on July 18, 2010:

Quarrels, Quinte Cups, Conversation Killers (and Queries)

It's been a month and a half that I've been parenting on my own, thanks to the Canadian Armed Forces. The kids and I have gotten into a routine. We've pulled one of the chairs away from the table, so it doesn't seem so empty without dad (pictured, left) there. I work my shortened work week, I taxi the kids to their activities, and I try (unsuccessfully) to keep the house from looking like a complete pig stye. I feed them at least one vegetable a day. We eat out more than once a week. Pretty normal, actually.

According to my handy-dandy Family Deployment Handbook (FDH), I'm right on schedule. I'm in the 'Recovery and Stabilization Phase'. Meaning...I'm not sick? And I'm not so unstable? That the old boat ain't so tipsy? True, the almost-in-labour anxiety has calmed down, and I spend less time sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor sobbing. But I still hate it. Just because I'm not running down our country road screaming obscenities and pulling my hair out doesn't mean I don't think about it. 

The FDH states that by week 6 I should be experiencing "Feelings of increased confidence, independence, competence, freedom, pride, isolation, anxiety and depression". How can you be confident and still be depressed? How can you feel competent and independent, yet have anxiety? Living in deployment-land is full of nasty contradictions. I'm moodier than a PMSing teen deprived of sleep and coffee. One thing's for sure...if Momma's grumpy, everyone's grumpy. I try to be patient. But patience has never been my forte. So the kids are less patient with each other...and then the fights start. I have adopted the 'Mom's having a time out' technique. Rather than blow up at them for blowing up at each other, I lock myself in my bedroom and count to 1000 (10 just doesn't cut it). It works...more or less. The kids go 'Huh?' and stop quarrelling. And I get a precious moment or two by myself.

It bugs me that the little FDH book is so accurate, though. I hate to be pegged. But it's right. Independent? My husband (and parents, and siblings...)will tell you that he didn't have to go away for me to be independent. And now that he's gone, independence has hit full force. Whatever you do, DON'T suggest I can't do something. I'm like a kid with a dare. Two weekends ago the girls were at their first away horse show (One of the Quinte Cup Series)of the season. Two ponies, two girls, my son, saddles, bridles, helmets, show outfits, water, a sun shelter, chairs, food, diabetic supplies (for my youngest) and coffee, all had to be packed into boxes, trucks and trailers for a day long show in the heat. We got up at 4 a.m. to leave. And it went...okay. We got there, the girls showed, and we came home. I did it, with help from others, of course, but I did it. So there, ha ha. Independent me. 

And as to coversation killers... I read a post on Facebook this week that just about hit the nose on the head. I can't find it now (of course) and can't find the author, so forgive me if you wrote it. (And let me know if you did so I can give you credit) but it was along the lines of "14 things to NOT say to a spouse of a deployed soldier". I have great friends, and they generally know how it is with me. But I'd like to paraphrase a few of the points:

1. "I know how you feel." You don't. Heck, I don't even know how I feel most of the time. If your husband has NOT gone away for 6 months and flown in and out of Afghanistan at least once during that time, you don't know how I feel. If you haven't sat beside your diabetic daughter at 3 in the morning praying her sugars come down, you don't know how I feel. Just like I don't know how you're getting through whatever challenge you have in your life right now. My FDH tells me I feel isolated. Darn right. I'm alone in my experiences. I don't generally want to talk about it with anyone, because it kills the conversation dead. 

2. "It could be worse, he could be in..." Gee, thanks. Make me feel even worse than I already feel. Sure, he could be somewhere worse. I'm sure there are a million things that could make my current situation even more stressful. Do I want to think about them right now? NO.

3. "Well at least the kids are older (not babies)" Have you ever had a pre-pubescent daughter? Not fun. Tears at least twice a day. And my kids are old enough to understand where their dad is. They get it. It's on the news every day. Someone killed, someone bombed, funding cuts...I try to turn off the news, and thankfully hubby is not in Afghanistan all of the time, but they hear it. And they think about it. Babies don't. 

I could go on and on, but the negative vibes are making me grumpy, so I'd like to add a change of tone. I want to give you a few things I'd LIKE to hear. Music to the deployed spouse's ear, a balm for my tired soul. 

1. "Here's a gift certificate to the spa. I'll stay at your house and watch your kids." I don't have time to look after myself these days, what with summer (ie kids are home), work and taxiing. I'd love to have a moment alone. And if my kids are home, I have less to worry about than if you took them to...Wonderland or anywhere else far away and less safe. I can't relax if I think there's some danger. And with a diabetic daughter, keeping my diabetes-educated kids together, and keeping them at home means easy access to whatever food, medicine, or equipment she needs. If you offer something like this to a military spouse, though...make sure you follow through. There is nothing worse than looking at a gift certificate on the fridge for six months straight. And I can guarantee they won't ask you about it.

2. "Let me pick up the milk, pizza...(insert food item here)" I could really use help with lunch/supper now and then. I love to cook, but hate to decide WHAT to cook. We live 10 minutes away from even a corner store, so dinner = preplanning. The less I have to do, the better.

3. "You look great." "You're doing great." "You're a super mom." "You're husband is so lucky to have you." "Insert compliment here." What I'm doing is hard. My main cheerleader is gone. My kids complain. A little bit of heartfelt flattery goes a long way. 

And here's one for just me...

4. "I loved your query...please send me your full manuscript!" Sorry, had to say it. My biggest project for the week ahead is to FINALLY send off a couple of queries to agents in hope that one of them will support my book. A wholelotta anxiety over that one, I can tell you! I've spent over a year editing and coddling it since my last misguided attempts(yup, I did EVERYTHING wrong with those first queries). It's time to let go again, and see what happens. Query number one went out today. Wish me luck.

Brenda

Military Monday: From Here

Those of you who follow my Facebook posts will have seen the small issue I had with a comment made on my blog last week. (You can find it HERE--scroll to the bottom and click on comments). The comment itself seems harmless enough, and perhaps the commenter, whoever he/she is, didn't fully read my blog post before stating his or her own opinion.

I believe all military spouses are entitled to their opinion and as such, this commenter is entitled to her (or his) own thoughts. I do thank her because she has spurred some lively discussion (and a huge outpouring of support...thank you everyone!) and has caused me to ask some interesting introspective questions.

"...if you aren't from the area (you aren't)...you probably shouldn't be making comments like this if you want to make friends"--Anonymous

Wow.

Just, wow.

Here's the deal. I grew up in small town New Brunswick. Graduated from high school at 16, and haven't lived in my home town since. Not counting inter-city moves on the same posting, I have lived in 16 different places in three different countries since that time. The longest I have lived in one home is three years.

So where am I from?

If I were to move back to my home town (where, incidentally, I still own property), would I feel at home? Would people there say I was from there? Or would they look at me and say I was a foreigner? The truth of the matter is, other than friends I've kept in touch with throughout the years, there are many who wouldn't recognize me. And the town, though the same in some ways, is different in others. I'm sure the wonderful people there still consider me a native, but is that what I think of as home?

Home is a fleeting thought for most military spouses.

It's even worse for military kids. My kids have been with us on all of those moves, so where do they say they are from? One of my children actually thinks of home as 'Grammie and Grampie's place'...where she has never lived.

In reality, we, as military spouses, have willingly given up our roots for the service of our country by choosing to follow our service members wherever they go. Very few military families end up living in their home towns. They live where they are sent, for short periods of time, and then they pack up and move again. As such we are 'from' where we live.

I'll repeat that.

I am from HERE.

I live here. I pay taxes here. My family is here. My furniture, my kids' schools, my job, my grocery store, my pharmacy, my dog, my cat...are all here. In an election, I would vote here.

My home is here.

So I am entitled to an opinion about here. As is every military spouse that lives in this town.

We are here because our spouses have chosen to wear a uniform and stand up for the beliefs that this country, this province and this town hold dear. In a crisis, our spouses would be the first to stand up for here. They would put their lives on the line for every last one of the residents of this place, regardless of where they were born. As would I. It is our civic responsibility--especially as parents--to take part in local educational debates. Our taxes support these schools and we have a right to be involved in their administration.

I even have friends here. Genuine people. Some of whom grew up right here. Do they agree with every one of my thoughts? I don't know. Probably not. But they are my friends because they like me because of who I am, not because they agree or disagree with my opinions. As far as I know, the best way to have a friend is to be one, and those who know me will be aware of my loyalty to my friends. If I were from somewhere else, why would it matter? True friendship has no borders.

Where am I from? Here. And I'm proud to say it.


Brenda

Be Prepared

I was thinking about advice last night after a chat with the Twitter #writersroad folks. I've been at this for a while now, and though I don't count myself an expert, I've certainly got a bit of experience in the world of writing. So if I were to give advice to someone just starting out, just getting their feet wet, what would I say to them?

Be prepared.

Novels do not give birth to themselves, magically springing forth onto the earth. Sure some people have lucky rabbits feet surgically attached to their forehead, writing full novels in 25 days and walking into contracts with Big Six publishers after their first drafts, but it is very, very rare. It takes a lot of guts to work through the mechanics of writing a novel. And a lot of perseverance. Pushing a novel through to success is not an easy task, whatever route you take--self published or traditionally published. Be prepared for a long road ahead.

1. Be prepared to work. Writing a novel is work. Long hours at a keyboard. Emails. Phone calls. Networking. Reading. Research. Editing. Editing. Editing. Numb hands and sore butt cheeks. Sweat, tears and more editing. Writing is a 'profession' for a reason. You have to work at it to be successful.

2. Be prepared to learn. When I started writing--really writing--about eight years ago, I thought I knew everything. Sure, I'm smart. I'll just pop a few words down on paper, send 'em off, and voila! I'm an author! Wow, was I an idiot. My education began then and it is ongoing. Every day of this journey I learn something new. How to format a manuscript for submission. How to get my self-published book into Chapters bookstores. How to build a platform (still working on that!). The dos and don'ts of writing--don't start with a dream, a prologue, a mirror, a purple frog...oh my goodness there are a lot of don'ts (my self-pubbed novel starts with a prologue! Oh horrors!)! The dos and don'ts of querying (made tons of mistakes there, too...). How to make an em dash on Blogger (how the heck do you do that anyway??). The learning does not end. The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. Each step is another door to learning. Embrace it.

3. Be prepared to spend money. Unless you are fortunate enough to have a superskilled and generous friends, a rich spouse, or an inheritance big enough to pay the bills and then some, don't give up your day job. No matter how skilled you are sooner or later you will need to cough up money to pay someone for their professional services, especially if you are planning to self-publish. Good books take money to produce. If you skimp, it will show. HOWEVER, there are also a whole lot of people out there willing to take your money for sub-standard work or fraudulent reasons. Before you give anyone your money, do your research.

4. Be prepared to step WAY out of your comfort zone. The first time external eyes looked at my first manuscript I was an emotional wreck. My first radio interview was insanity (can you believe I used to aspire to be a TV journalist?). And surprisingly, what I view as my best writing so far was also the hardest to write, because it was an expression of some of my deepest fears and required me to take risks. Stepping out of your comfort zone opens your writing to new possibilities. Take a deep breath and go for it!

5. Be prepared for curveballs. This one became very evident to me last month. After self publishing TREASURE, and months of flogging my new manuscript SKIN to anyone who would listen, I was disheartened and on the verge of going the self pub route with that too (and not because it wasn't good enough...but because I hadn't found the right agent yet). As you now know, I took one last chance at the encouragement of my CP friend Tina, and was thrilled to be offered an agenting agreement with Jennifer Mishler at Literary Counsel! Whodda thunkit? Thanks to my 'why not?' attitude, I made what could potentially be my most valuable publishing connection yet (Yay, Jenn!)! Writing is like that. Sometimes the unplanned is the magic.

6. Be prepared for criticism. The most well-known writers are also the most highly criticized. There are people out there who make a living criticizing writers. If you publish anything, in any way, people will comment and not all comments will be good. Those comments will hurt, but keep going. Highly polished manuscripts go through draft after draft of revisions. My self pubbed novel went through at least six drafts, and probably could have gone through more. Be ready to hear bad things about your writing.

7. Be prepared to SHINE! Conversely, the BEST part about writing is having someone read your stuff and tell you they like it! I am a praise junkie. I eat it up. Every single bit of praise fuels me to write more, do better, learn more and work harder. It's even better (and somewhat shocking) when a complete stranger comes up to me and says "I read your book in an afternoon! I loved it! Please write another!" I grin ear to ear and want to shout out to the world--"DIDJA HEAR THAT? She liked it! She really liked it!" What a wonderful feeling!

Most important of all...If writing is your dream, do not give up. Believe in your writing. Be realistic, and ready for the unexpected, but keep writing. Believe in yourself.

And that, my lovely writing friends, is what it is all about.


Brenda