From Here (Part two)

This time of year two years ago, I was in a new place with boxes all around me, squishing a big house's contents into a much smaller military residence, and trying to support my kids as they started new schools.

Only the schools didn't open, and the kids didn't start.

Grown adults were unable to sit in a room and compromise, and their employees and their students suffered for it. I was FED UP, and I wrote this blog, stating how important that first day of school was to our military kids.

And then someone commented on said blog, implying that because I wasn't FROM HERE I didn't get an opinion.

OH. EM. GEE.

Seriously.

If you follow my blogs, you'll know I LOST IT.  What the frigging heck? Not FROM HERE? No, I'm not FROM HERE. I went against my usual rule of DO NOT ENGAGE, and responded to said comment. Nicely, of course...I AM Canadian and all. I posted my muted outrage on Facebook, and had a tremendous outpouring of support from friends and readers alike, and then posted another blog response here.

Anyway, why I've brought this moment in my blog history to the table today is that --guess what?-- my family is now in a different house, with kids in a different school (which, thank heavens, started on time), and we are all experiencing the NOT FROM HERE in a whole different way, because we actually AREN'T.  Considering several of us were born here, and we've vacationed here, lived here, worked here and played here before...it should be pretty easy to transition. But the questions outlined on my first blog are the same...only multiplied now that the kids are teens: 

"Will I like my teacher? Will I be able to play the trombone in band? Will I make the soccer team? Will I be behind or ahead in Math? Will I have too much homework? Will the kids on the bus be mean or nice? Will they tease me because I'm new? Did I get the course selections I asked for? Will I have enough time to get between classes? Are there good books in the library? 

And the most important question for kids... Will I meet a new best friend?"

Add new things like the fact that this time we are living in a city (our first in ten years), one of us is missing (off to university), American high school culture (holy cow, different), a completely new curriculum (yes, the Math is VERY different), and different brands at the grocery store (no Kinder eggs here, folks...but there's WINE) it's been an eye opener. 

via GIPHY

The good thing about this posting, though, is that it's ABOUT not being FROM HERE. We're here because we are different. We are here to learn and to share and to expand ourselves. And other than some, um...interesting political postulating (oh, boy), it's GOOD that we are here. It's exciting. It's scary. It's educational and enriching.

And we are not alone. America, like Canada, is a country of others. Especially here, in the capital region, there are many, many people not FROM HERE. 

There have already been hiccups, and we've already changed (my laid back Canadian driving skills have had to go--it's every driver for themselves on these roads), but I hope the end result will be positive. Especially once those boxes are all empty.

We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

Brenda

A Day Off

It’s Monday. My schedule is flexible—changing every week—but for this week, Monday means a day off.

“Lucky you,” you say. “I never get a day off!”

Well, believe me, you have my sympathy and utmost respect. I applaud any parent who can manage to keep their house from self-destructing whilst working full time. I don’t know how you do it. Seriously, I don’t.

As for me, I work part-time so that I can manage the day-to-day life of a military family with teens (hubby is away…frequently), but really, my days off are supposed to be writing days. 

With two published books and numerous manuscripts in various stages of completion, I still cringe inside when I call myself a writer, but in reality being a writer is a job. A career. Some extremely fortunate people get to write full time. I am not one of those fortunate people (YET) so for now, my days off are technically working days, just with a different career path. Days off are days supposed to be spent in my favourite writing spot, hammering away at the keyboard while building worlds and creating magic. Days off are creative days, quiet days, productive days while the kids are at school, hubby is at work and my mind has a few blissful hours to focus on the screen in front of me.

Ha ha ha ha.  HA! HA!

Lets just take a look at how today started out...

Yell at kids to get their butts in the car. Frantically make coffee because I NEED CAFFEINE. Dishwasher full of clean dishes, countertop full of dirty dishes. Scrounge to find a cup. Pour coffee. Discover there is no milk to put in coffee. Yell at kids to get in car.  Skip breakfast—no milk for cereal. Too late for toast.

Take milk-less coffee with me. Drop kids at schools. Go to grocery store to get milk. Spend an hour in grocery store because I need a meal plan to get me through a crazy week. Buy a gazillion dollars worth of food. Light goes on in car—need gas. Stop to get gas. Drive home. Start putting groceries away, fridge is too full of last weeks leftovers. Empty fridge of science experiments to make room. Garbage is full. Empty garbage and put in new bag. Pantry is full of empty boxes, dismantle boxes and put in recycling, but recycling is overflowing so empty that. Put away rest of groceries.

Realize my coffee is cold. Make new coffee and leave sitting on counter. Try to find a recipe for chicken-creamy-something-put-it-all-in-a-crock-pot-and-leave-it so I can at least get an hour or two of writing done before kids need to be picked up. Give up on recipe books and find something on pinterest in ten seconds. Chop and dump and put nutritious food in crock-pot.  No space, so empty dishwasher and refill it first. Finish crock-pot meal prep. Realize coffee is cold. Nuke it in the microwave.

Remember that kid needs gym clothes washed. Reset laundry that I washed yesterday because it’s been sitting there overnight and has a bit of a smell (I have a thing with smelly laundry...). Trip over cat. Feed cat. Realize dog is outside in the rain. Let dog in and dry his muddy, disgusting paws.

Remember coffee is still in the microwave, cold. Nuke it again.

Sit down for two seconds to take a breath and realize I don’t have coffee. Go to get coffee. Look at the clock and realize it’s now noon and I haven’t had breakfast. Grab a banana. Sit down. Hear the washer finish it’s cycle, go switch it over, but the dryer is full so empty that and fold clothes. Put gym clothes in washer.

Remember coffee is still in microwave. Nuke it again.

Sound familiar? I’m sure you’ve all had similar days. Big, empty days off that suddenly evaporate and it’s fifteen minutes before you have to go again. How does it happen? Some days that coffee is never warm enough to drink it, and I’m lucky if I write a hundred coherent words—today being one of them.

The good news is, I’ve finally managed to sit down with my laptop and I’ve got two hours left to write. The dog is dry. The crock-pot is cooking. The laundry is doing it’s thing, the counter is clean, the groceries are put away, the recycling is out, the fridge is full and I’ve turned on some peaceful music to write by.

And guess what?  My coffee is beside me.

Cold.

Brenda

Military Monday: Military Kids

A different kind of helicopter parenting...8 Wing CFB Trenton 2010

 

 

There has been a lot of discussion on the internet lately about the current generation of kids. How this generation, the product of so-called 'helicopter parents' (see this article and others like it), are incapable of caring for themselves. How they need mommy and daddy to help them do everything, from folding their laundry, to helping them pass university courses.
 

As an answer to this...I give you the military child.

I have to say, I scoffed at these helicopter parents articles. Yeah, there's a few parents I've met in my years as a mom that would qualify, but the vast majority don't and won't. I'm sure it's partly because it would drive me crazy to hang out with parents like this. My friends kids' have chores. They participate in family discussions. They work for their allowances. If they get a failing grade, they lose privileges.

Part of the reason I know few qualifying helicopter parents is because, by necessity and opportunity, most (but certainly not all) of my close friends are part of military families.

So what makes military kids different?

1) Children in military families learn quickly that things don't always turn out the way they want. Often their first bed is a car seat, and they are on the road to a new home before they've even comprehended their old one. They say goodbye to their friends frequently. They don't get to choose

Dad just before
departure on deployment

their homes or their schools. The service branch their parent belongs to chooses those things, and chooses when they will change.

2) Military kids get big responsibilities on their shoulders early in life. I remember my three year old 'reading' to her newborn sister so that I could put her two year old brother down for his nap. Only a few feet away from me, but she understood that it was her responsibility, and she accepted that. When Dad is away a lot, someone has to step up to help out with other chores too, like lawn-mowing, dishes, taking out the garbage. As one military spouse says, "(Our) children are often in the position of learning to cope with change, they learn to make the best of difficult circumstances, and above all they learn the necessity of sacrifice for a greater good. Children in military families learn independence through adversity; being asked to contribute their skills and talents to the function of the family unit, to accommodate the absent family member."

3) Military kids understand the realities of military life. They hear the news. They know their parent is in danger. They endure disappointment when Dad isn't there to see them perform, to praise report cards, to compete in sports. They cry. They are scared. And they keep going. They get through it.

One of my good friends recently said in a Thanksgiving oriented Facebook post: "Our girls have amazed me with their ability to keep going, not moping around, not waiting for things to happen to them, but going out and making life happen, living it to its fullest. I don't know if I would've been as strong at my age."

4) Military kids have great role models. Parents and other families around them that understand the value of hard work. Immediate role models that don't always want to do what they have to...but they do it anyway.

Now mind you, not every military family encourages their kids to get out there, make mistakes and keep working until they succeed. Some parents take their fear of their spouse's job and reflect it backwards. Their family environment, something they can control, becomes the outlet for something they can't control, ie) their spouse's environment. PTSD can play a big role in over-protective military family parenting (a post for another time...).

But the majority of military kids that I've met in my 25+ years associated with the military are strong, resilient, capable, and hard-working. They're kids that are able to deal with whatever life throws at them...because, well, life has thrown a lot at them already. Their experiences help them prepare for life without mom and dad.

What are your thoughts? Do you know strong, resilient military kids? Or perhaps you know some helicopter parents?  Let me know your experiences in the comments below!

Til next time,

Brenda.

Remember.

Photo credit:
Elizabeth K Watnem Photography

Last week, after posting my Military Monday post on education, I was grappling with what to post here for Remembrance Day--what angle I would take, what topic I could share, what personal story or anecdote I could expand upon. I was a little stumped.

Remembrance Day has always been a mandatory attendance event in our family. Even when I was little my world stopped on November 11 while we walked to a cold cenotaph and stood in rain, wind and sometimes snow. As a proud Air Force officer, I have marched with my coworkers. As a military spouse I have stood by my husband. And as a mother I have watched my children march as Brownies, Scouts and Army Cadets. Remembrance Day never fails to move me. Even today, as you read this, I am standing beside my husband in his uniform, while my youngest daughter lays a wreath on behalf of her school...I'm likely trying to keep it together as I hear the Last Post.

But last week, as I came home, logged on to Facebook, and checked my messages, I was stumped as to how to do justice to such an important day.

There, in the 'Other' tab of my Facebook, was a message from a stranger. I was flattered and pleased that someone I didn't know would take the time to write me a personal message. It's still a novelty for me to get mail, in any form, from a complete stranger.

I clicked on the message. And then I read it.

I wish I could fully describe what this message did to me. I was...humbled. Awed. Proud. Sad. Overwhelmed. I wrote the author, Amanda, back and asked her if I could share it with my readers word for word. She wrote back and said yes.

So I am honoured to share it with you now. Please take the time to read it all.

 

* * *

Hi Brenda

My name is Amanda Anderson - I saw your post about education on the Canadian Military Spouses FB page. I noticed a lot of the spouses mentioned University of Manitoba as a good school for military spouses.

 

Cpl Jordan Anderson
3PPCLI
DND photo

I wanted to let you know that U of M is the first university since the Korean War to award a degree posthumously to a fallen soldier - Cpl Jordan Anderson 3PPCLI (KIA Afghanistan 04 July 2007).

I think its extremely important that U of M get recognized for this distinction - especially within our military community. It took a huge amount of work by Jordan's friends, the Political Science department and the university to make this actually happen.

 

In addition to Jordan receiving his degree posthumously, a bursary was established - Cpl Jordan Anderson On the Ramp award for serving or retired member of the Canadian Forces, or a cadet (with preference given to those studying political science). Although the award isn't open to spouses I want the military community to know the extent to which U of M supports our military.

 

Jordan was taking political science through distance ed at U of M. As a serving member it was a challenge and more than one time I had to call the distance ed office myself and tell them he got bugged out and that term paper wasn't making it in, and perhaps could they speak to the prof and get him an extension?The staff at the distance ed office were unbelievably supportive throughout his years of study.



Cpl Jordan Anderson in theatre
DND photo



 

The day before he died he contacted the head of the department and was arranging to take classes upon his return from Afghanistan. I can't describe in a message how it felt to receive my husband's degree after his death. His dedication was incredible and I desperately wished it was him receiving it and me sitting in the audience. The news articles detail more of my reaction and the spontaneous reaction of the audience that day.

 

Here are some news links with more information:

 

**U of M to award posthumous degree to fallen soldierCpl. Jordan Anderson, raised in N.W.T. and was based in Edmonton, was taking BA

 

**POSTHUMOUS DEGREE TO BE CONFERRED ON FALLEN CANADIAN SOLDIER

 

**Education in the midst of conflict Cpl. Anderson was serving his country, planning for his future

 

When the news articles were published, the University was still working out logistical and privacy aspects of the bursary (therefore some of the newspaper article details are incorrect). Here is a link to a summary of the FINAL bursary requirements.

 

If anyone was interested in donating to Cpl Jordan Anderson 'On the Ramp' Bursary I've summarized the details on his In Loving Memory Facebook page here - along with a link to the donation form.

 

Jordan
(Anderson family archives)

I know this isn't the direction of your article, however you are speaking to the military community about education. Its hard to part with tuition money so at least at U of M you know its going to an institution who cares / gives a damn about our military and their sacrifice.

 

I hope you choose to share (in some format) Jordan's story and the amazing support he received from the U of M. Even more timely with Remembrance Day being next week.

 

Amanda Anderson

Widow of Cpl Jordan Anderson 3PPCLI

 

* * *

 

Needless to say, I was floored. 

 

I've since contacted George MacLean, PhD, Associate Dean of Graduate Studies at the University of Manitoba, who was the department head at the time Jordan was taking his courses. Dr. MacLean had this to say:

 

 "Jordan's story will likely stick with me for the rest of my life.  It was one of the best things I think we've done as a university...Military personnel (some American, too) over at the Air Force base officer school in Winnipeg raised funds to support the bursary, and it was fully funded and then given final approval in 2010.  We've awarded it at least twice since then."

Coming home.
Photo credit: DND

 

Such an amazing, heart wrenching inspirational story.

 

I am so honoured and privileged to be able to share it with you on today of all days.

 

So today, whether you are at work, school, home or at the local cenotaph, take a moment to remember Cpl Jordan Anderson and all of the people who were touched by his story. Touched enough to pull together to help others like him enrich their lives.

 

Remember the men with him...men who had wives and families and lives back home waiting for them. Remember that they were working on degrees, making plans, preparing for the future.

 

Remember how much they wanted to come home.

 

Remember that they didn't.

Brenda

 

***

 

Dedicated to the men who died on July 4, 2007

Killed in Action

Afghanistan

 

Captain Matthew Johnathan Dawe (3PPCLI)

Captain Jefferson Clifford Francis (1 Royal Canadian Horse Artillery)

Corporal Jordan James Anderson (3PPCLI)

Corporal Cole D. Bartsch (3PPCLI)

Master Corporal Colin Stuart Francis Bason (The Royal Westminster Regiment)

Private Lane William Thomas Watkins (3PPCLI)

 

Afghan interpreter

 

 

Military Monday: Careers for Military Spouses - Education

PART 3 OF A 3 PART SERIES

One of the many problems for military spouses attempting to embark on a new career path is the difficulty in obtaining a degree or diploma in their preferred field. Once again, we move. And our husbands go away a lot. And we often have young children at home and no family in the same time zone, let alone the same town. The application deadlines generally fall before posting messages come out, so even when you do apply, there's no guarantee you'll be able to follow through. And education is expensive! How do you afford four or more years of courses when you are barely making ends meet now?

So...is there any hope for a military spouse looking to get a new start in the job market?


In a word...YES! Although no one can guarantee it will be easy (it won't), there are many avenues you can pursue, and many military spouses have successfully completed the necessary education in spite of the challenges. The big question is how?

Firstly, all Canadian Military Family Resource Centres have an Education and Training component with Resource Libraries and links to help you investigate the possibilities. Whether it be for adult high school, college, university, or other courses, they are there to help you succeed. Start your journey by paying them a visit.

Not in Canada? Although I'm no expert on the American/British/Australian/other systems, similar programs exist to help you as well. Military.com has a tab dedicated to education for American spouses(as well as many other sites), and for British MoD spouses I believe the HIVE system has resources to help you.

When narrowing down to a specific course of study, a military spouse has to consider several key factors:

1. Does the educational institution have a distance learning possibility for your course? Some universities operate almost entirely online. Abathasca University is one example that has a great track record and is very portable. Other universities suggested by my readers included U of Manitoba, and Mount Saint Vincent University.

2. Is financial assistance available? Some universities offer special scholarships for adult learners, there are also tax breaks for those enrolled in secondary education. A low interest loan may be the best bet. Or, have you considered doing your degree on one of the military training plans, like ROTP? (I got my physiotherapy degree this way) Talk to your local MFRC or the finance/tuition assistance section of your university for more info.

3. Childcare? How can I study with the kids at home? Nothing like having a sick toddler and a twenty page paper due the next day. All I can say to this one is that there is always a way. Not necessarily an easy or perfect way, but a way. Talk to your spouse, friends, MFRC, university, family members...and figure it out. Plan around naptimes and bedtimes. And plan to keep long hours and late nights.

4. What happens if...? Expect problems. Completing a new degree or diploma will take time, energy and money. You will have questions and no idea how to get the answers. You'll have sick kids and no child care, long assignments and no time. You'll get an unexpected posting message. Your spouse will be deployed. Try to plan ahead for possible snags so that when they happen you'll be prepared. In the end it will be worth it!

When it comes to your education...there is always a way.

Have an spousal education story or an education solution you'd like to share? Know something I don't? (Very likely :) )Please comment below, or talk to me on facebook here. You may just help another spouse in the same situation!

Thanks and have a great week!

Brenda

Military Monday: Finding a Family Doctor

A few days ago I went to my first regular doctor's appointment (for myself not one of my kids) in
four years. As I sat in the waiting room afterwards, lab requisitions in hand, I got thinking about that fact. For me personally, this is not a big deal. The College of Family Practitioners recommends that a female of my age should have a periodic health exam every 3 years. And honestly, if I'm not sick, the LAST place I want to be is the doctor's office.

But what I realized as I sat there, was that (assuming everything is okay) it's quite likely that I will never see this doctor again. It took me almost two years after our posting date to find a doctor and get signed up with her practice, and if the lovely bloodwork comes back negative, I won't need to see her for another 3 years...at which point I'll be somewhere else.

In my sixteen years of marriage and eight postings I've had four 'real' family doctors. Real, meaning a doctor that I might have developed some sort of relationship with. The other postings I dealt with group practices (where the doctor on-call was the doctor you saw), urgent care clinics, or I did without. I HATE finding a new family physician. HATE it. It is probably the single-most stressful part of the posting process for me. Well, beside finding good schools for the kids. On this posting I called at least SIX clinics in our current small home town, and every single clinic administrator but one was rude and unhelpful, acting like I was wasting their time. Then there's the transferring of records (and fees which are sometimes covered, sometimes not) and the 'get-to-know-you' visit (two hours out of an already busy schedule to fill out reams of paperwork). And God help you if you discover that you don't actually like the doctor you've signed up with, because you won't be given the opportunity to find another one.

I know I'm not alone, so I put it out to some other military spouses to see if they had similar experiences with finding a family physician.  Some of the comments I got back:

* "...did not have a family doctor for 2 years"

* "I was without a doctor until I was being treated at hospital for a serious back injury and one of the doctors agreed to take me as his patient...The lesson I have learned is to take control, research and act quickly."

* "It wasn't until I was pregnant in early 2011 (three years later) that I finally was able to get a doctor because I had to call around and be like "dude, I can't just go to a walk-in clinic to have a baby, SOMEONE has to take me" and I STILL had to make a lot of calls before someone would take me."

* "Currently on our 6th posting, and only one of those I couldn't find a doctor. We were only there 2 years thankfully."

* "In Petawawa I waited 1 year and in Cold Lake I got (a doctor) right away."

* "We are now posted to New Brunswick and have to go on a waiting list, which can be at least a year wait. You do not get to choose your doctor, you are assigned one. There are no mediclinics in the town, you have to go to the hospital, which closes I believe at 5 and then you have to go into Fredericton after that. It is a big worry not to have medical service readily available."

* "I am relatively new to the military life (3 years), but I haven't had a family doctor since we left home at the beginning of the 3 years."

* "We got posted to Saint-Jean-Sur-Richelieu Quebec, it will be 5 years next month and we have 3 kids and we still do not have a family doctor..."


Two years? Three Years? Five years of waiting for a family physician? And this is just a fraction of the responses I got. I know that it's not JUST military spouses dealing with the shortage of family physicians, but military families often move every two or three years. That means each move is a new fight, a new waiting list, a new wait time for provincial health cards and a new physician-patient relationship. And let's be honest, it is NOT FUN having a routine female health exam by a complete stranger. Some families seem to have better luck than others, with no wait times at all, but the vast majority of spouses who responded had long waits and very little choice in which practice they ended up with.

Don't bother clicking...not accepting
new patients here!

Another spouse brought up a different side of things--namely trying to get medical care in your own language. French speaking Canadians in English provinces (and visa versa) have great difficulty even communicating with their doctors. One spouse commented, "I have to take someone with me to translate the personal information that is discussed, and depending on the appointment or the seriousness of it, they would even have to come into the room with me for the tests." Military spouses do not get to choose where they live. But, like every Canadian, they should have the option to receive health care services in both/either of the two official languages.

Thankfully, the Canadian Forces are taking baby steps to make health care more accessible to military families and have opened several CF family medical clinics on bases like 14 Wing Greenwood to facilitate the process. Unfortunately some of these base clinics have been forced to close, due to lack of family practitioners to staff them.

Another step in the right direction, in Ontario provincially insured services now have the wait time waived for CF family members.

Better, but still a big problem.

An American friend of mine commented, "I'm American, a military spouse for 15 years now...never had an issue finding a doctor who would accept our family. We've moved 15 times or so. The only time we avoided the potential to not have a Dr. was when we did the exchange tour to Nova Scotia. We lucked out (or "in" as Canadians say!) and the same Dr. who was seeing the family we were to replace took us on as we were the same number of people in our family. I always felt guilty because I knew many of our neighbors (Canadian military families) who didn't have one."

Wow. She felt guilty for actually having a family physician? You know there is a problem when...

Anyway...as for me, my medical appointment last week was quick and relatively painless, and I left minus 3 vials of blood and with three extra specialist referrals in my hands. I was pretty lucky. I bought myself a treat, had a coffee and came home. Who knows where and when my next family physician visit will happen? Will I even see this doctor again? Or will it be the same, tedious search for a new doctor in a different town? Province? Country?

I have no idea.

There's no life like it. 

What about you? Have you ever had to find a new physician as a result of a move?

Brenda